Satisfaction

I went to see New Moon tonight with Sierra, Megan, Sheri and Julie.  I enjoyed it very much.  The movie was good.  Way better quality than the first one, and the acting didn't bother me as much.


Edward is still not good-looking enough.


Not that I care, since I'm on "team Jacob".


But then again, I'm only really on "team Jacob" because Jacob is more attractive.  When I read the books I was all for Edward.


Funny how fickle I am.


My friendship with Sierra has been very strained lately.  I'm not sure exactly why.  I still want to be her friend, but it seems so hard these days.  I know that when I have a problem with something the problem is usually with myself, so I need to change myself in order to fix the problem.  But  don't know what to change about myself in order to become closer to Sierra again.


Tonight I just felt... I can't even think of a word for it.  I guess I just felt like she was putting me down a lot.  Putting me down as in bringing up things from the past that I've moved on from, but she likes to bring them up in order to put me down.  Maybe?  I don't really know how to explain it.


It's just hard being friends with someone when I don't know why they're friends with me.  What does she get out of our friendship?  What do I get out of our friendship?  What are friends supposed to get out of each other?  We're supposed to build each other up, make one another feel good about ourselves.  Bring out the best in the other person.  I don't feel like either one of us does that for the other.


So why do I feel like I need her to be my friend?  Is it out of habit?  Just because she's been my friend since Jr. High?  Jr High, a time when everyone is trying to find their place in the world.  A time when we're all changing and developing, and just trying to fit in.  She accepted me back then.  We were equals.  We had things in common.  Now what do we have?


She has a child, I don't have a child.  I am married, she isn't married.  She enjoys fantasy novels, and I don't really like to read.  She likes to get into deep conversations and debates, and I prefer to talk about things without debate and without getting too deep.


So where do I go from here?  I can't just stop being friends with someone.  Who does that?  Unless something major happens where you both end up hating each other.  But come on, really?  That's so Jr. High.


I guess I am just feeling friendless.  I am feeling sorry for myself.  I have Lance, and he is the greatest friend I could ever have.  So why do I feel like I need a friend outside of him?  I should be happy with what I have, right?  I have it good.


So I guess what needs to change about me is that nothing is ever good enough.  I need to learn to be satisfied. 


Now, how does one go about that?