Anxiety

Last night the elephant-itis of my feet came back, with a vengeance. They're still swollen a bit this AM.  I didn't check my blood pressure, but I'm sure it was very high yesterday.

I was very stressed at work.  Not because it was busy, but because I'm sick of trying to train someone who is un-trainable.  If you're wrong for the job, you're wrong for the job, no matter how much I may like you as a person. I don't really want to go into a lot of details, but let's just say I am extremely ready to be at home, not thinking about work, for 6 weeks.

Our Ford we purchased is really nice!  I was actually really surprised.  The interior isn't a weird color at all, but the tan steering wheel bothers me a bit.  That can be covered, though.  When I first got in, in smelled like a brand new car.  The upholstery looks like it's barely been sat on, if at all.  It just feels brand new, even though it's a 2010.  Our little girls had a good time going for a ride in it, they just kept smelling everything.  If you didn't know "our little girls" are dogs, that last sentence might sound odd.

I called my sisters yesterday.  I was feeling homesick.  I chatted with Emilee for a while.  She's going to Universal Studios Orlando in a few weeks.  I'm so jealous!  That place is so fun.  She'll have a great time.  I hope she takes lots of pictures and posts lots of funny stories on her blog, in her own hilarious way.  I also called Elise.  She is moving out of my parents' house today.  I can tell she is a little nervous.  It IS scary living on your own.  She talked about how much money she had to spend on just hygiene items.  I told her she should start couponing because you can get a lot of stuff for free or super cheap if you're smart about it.  But yes, buying all new makeup, deodorant, hair styling items and shower items can be very expensive if you're buying it all at once.  I don't think I ever had to make that transition all at once because I started buying my own special "color treated" shampoo and conditioner and my own makeup when I got my first job at 16.  I think she'll be OK though.  I just wish she was moving back to Utah, instead of to New Jersey.

I lost my composure on my way home from work last night.  I was listening to the radio, trying to drown out my own thoughts.  Lily was being extremely active.  I just started balling.  I don't know how I'm supposed to have my first child without my family nearby.  They're on the other side of the country and they never call me.  I feel like I'm not missed.  I feel so alone sometimes.  I just want to go to my parents' house and hug my dad.

This has nothing to do with Lance.  He is always here for me, but I'm afraid to talk to him about it.  I'm afraid he'll say something like, "at least you can talk to your dad."  How can I cry to him about missing my family when his own father has passed away?  Yes, my family is still alive, but your dad is with you more than you realize, and mine is never with me.  Your sisters and/or mother call you every day.  We see them at least once a week. I only get to talk to mine when I call them, and half the time they don't even answer.

My mom is coming in two and a half weeks.  You think that would give me some comfort, but it doesn't.  She keeps talking about going to see her friends and old ward.  That just makes me feel like my house will be her hotel and I'll never see her.  It makes me want to call up my grandma and ask what she did for my mom when my mom had babies. It stresses me out to think about it, so I just try to not think about it at all and pretend like she isn't coming.  I'm not sure what to expect, so I'll expect nothing.

I've started planning some meals that I can make double of and freeze half. That way when I'm not up to making dinner, Lance can put it in the oven and we can have a nice dinner that doesn't consist of frozen pizza or fast food.  I'm trying to keep everything as clean as possible so it won't be messy when we bring the baby home.  The nursery isn't quite ready.  I just don't know where to put things.

I don't know how to be a mom. I'm so scared.