I had a little difficulty finding a new doctor. I prefer my doctors to be female. I don't understand why a man would be interested in caring for womanly body parts. It just seems creepy. Also, I like my doctor to actually know what it's like to be a woman, rather than know what they've been taught or told.
I'm really happy with the doctor I ended up choosing. She made me feel very welcome and comfortable, and really made an effort to get to know me before she saw me naked. ☺️
My visit went well. We discussed my health history, and I told her I'd been completely off birth control for 2.5 years, and have been trying for a baby. She said I qualify for infertility testing if I want to take that route. She explained what it would entail. She also recommended getting an ovulation testing kit so I can more accurately know when I'm ovulating. I decided it would be best to try using ovulation kits for three months, and if we still can't conceive, we will make an appointment to begin the fertility stuff.
Using an ovulation testing kit never occurred to me before. I got pregnant so fast with Lily that this whole situation is surreal.
Before Lily, I used an IUD. I got it taken out mid-May in 2011. I had one period in June, and a positive pregnancy test in July. It was too easy.
Why is it so different this time?
After Lily was born, I started the mini pill when she was 6 weeks old. I stopped taking the mini pill at the end of November 2012. I was still nursing Lily, so my periods didn't resume until April or May of 2013. So it's been 2 years.
I hate that this is even on my mind, but my biggest concern with getting pregnant now is that I will have a baby for the 2016 cycle at my job. Lily was 5 months old during the 2012 cycle and I lost my mind, as well as unintentionally starved her. The cycle is about 3 months long, so Lily was 5-8 months old during it. Between her 6 month appointment and her 9 month appointment she had lost weight and the doctor was very concerned about it. Lily was exclusively breast fed for 6 months, and I started solids along with breast feeding after she was 6 months, so the only explanation for the weight loss is neglect. It breaks my heart. I can't do that again.
I know my employers are understanding people. They have been very gracious to me and were very helpful for the 2014 cycle (cycles happen every other year). I know they will be the same for 2016, but I still worry.
For 2014, Lance took a leave from his job to care for Lily so I could sleep after working my 12 hour shifts. I don't know if that will be an option in 2016.
We have no family near who can help. I'm not sure if friends would be willing or able, and it's too soon to ask a question like that. "Hey, do you have any plans from August to October of 2016? Would you be my nanny? What if I have two kids? What would you charge?"
...
It's too soon to worry about, I know. But the reality is, this is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I really wanted to have a baby by now so I wouldn't have to stress about what will happen with work.
Also, Lily will be at least 4 years old by the time we get baby #2 and, it shouldn't, but that really bothers me. I wanted twins to begin with! Twins and then one more. That was my wish. Lily wasn't a twin, so I thought I could have baby #2 be really close to her in age. That didn't happen either.
I kind of feel like my family goals and dreams are in shambles. I wanted my children to be close in age so they would be best friends, grow together, and care for each other. Now they won't even go to the same school at the same time.
I think that Heavenly Father is trying to teach me that I'm not in control. I don't get to decide any of this. Family planning is a lie: It's all in His hands, and He knows best.
That doesn't make it any less painful or depressing, or help me to not feel like I'm broken.
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