Pregnant Ramblings

Thank you, What to Expect for this article. I've felt like a huge blob of failure for the past four months. 

"Anyone who visits a pregnant woman should anticipate that her home won't be spotless. Why? Because she's growing another human being and has no extra energy for details like toilet bowls! Working moms especially know that it's hard enough to get through the workday and come home to collapse -- much less continue our pre-pregnancy days of Martha Stewarting or Ree Drummonding.

And after baby comes, it's okay if you are living out of takeout containers and your nursery isn't yet Pinterest-worthy. All visitors should bring food, wipes, and a gift, in order of importance. And they should tidy up your kitchen and throw in a load of laundry."

I had a really rough recovery with Lily. I hated having company because it meant I had to put on pants and I had to cover up when I nursed. And yeah, I guess the latter isn't a "have to" but I don't really enjoy people seeing my naked breasts. Even my own mother.

So there's that. 

My mom helped a ton while she visited me and I was very sad when she left. I wondered if I could handle it all on my own. 

Of course all help, and meals were greatly appreciated. I had really bad PPD so functioning at all was a challenge. I hope and pray that labor, delivery, and recovery are easier on me this time around. Let's hope baby isn't posterior and that I don't have back labor, and that I don't push for two hours before the discovery of baby being posterior thus making it stuck and needing forceps to literally rip it out of me. 

Third degree tears. And an additional tear in the inside where the forceps cut me. That one took forever to heal. 

Once again I'm going to attempt a natural birth, but not in a hospital. I'm planning on going to a birthing center and having a water birth. There will be no IVs or constant monitoring. I will be free to move and labor how I want. And if baby comes in 19 hours or less I'm sure I'll be fine, because that's how long I labored drug free with Lily. 

I can do this. I hope I will recover faster. I hope I will be happier this time and able to enjoy all the little moments, rather than feeling like my baby hates me and me crying every day for 5 months. 

I had my 16 week appointment recently. Everything is going good! My weight gain is on track. She (my doctor) said my blood test came back with everything normal. Next month will be the big ultra sound where we learn the gender! We are struggling with names, so having a gender will help, I hope.

I'm feeling pretty good. I've noticed a pattern where if I have a busy, active day, I'm 99% useless the next day. The dogs might not get taken outside at all unless I open the door and pray they don't chase someone, or that someone doesn't see the poop I don't pick up on those days. No cleaning will happen. Dinner probably won't get made. And I'll definitely take a nap before I start working. 

Most days are pretty good. I take a walk with Lily and the dogs (and I DO pick up their doo doo). I do dishes. I make dinner. I wash and fold a load of laundry (putting it away is another story). I play toys with Lily and read her stories. 

I'm feeling a little sad that Lily won't be my one and only anymore. I love her so much and I love all the time I get with her. I'm kind of a selfish mom... I don't like lily to learn new things when I'm not watching or cheering her on. I don't want to miss a moment of her life. I'm going to have an extremely hard time with preschool next year. She's my whole world and I can't imagine time without her.

I'm sure it will all work out. I'm just scared of the change.