Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I'm trying the best I can to be a better person. I've learned all these things to keep myself positive, relaxed in uncomfortable situations, and improve my confidence... but it seems like everything else in my life doesn't want me to change. No matter what I try, I always have these opposing, negative thoughts in the back of my mind. They linger there, haunting me, waiting for me to fail. It's like I don't even have a chance.

If I've been one way all my life, is there any possible way I can change? What if I'm not meant to be a positive and happy person? What if I'm just a jealous brat, trying to pretend to be an angel who is happy for people?

I'm not saying I'm always a negative person. But with certain people and certain situations I am negative, jealous, and just downright mean. I'm trying my best to get better. But I guess my best isn't good enough. Especially when nobody notices. Especially when everything is so competition driven. Can we stop competing?! Can't we just be happy with who we are and where we are? Aren't we all here for the same reasons? Why do people always have to one-up another? If everyone else would just chill out maybe I wouldn't feel so broken right now. Why can't we all be equal?