Some Days

Some days are really good. I wake up, take a shower, get dressed, wake Lily up and we make oatmeal together. We both sit at the table and talk while we eat.  We help each other clean up and we unload and load the dishwasher together. We do some cleaning around the house, do laundry, and maybe even vacuum.  We'll do a nice wholesome activity, and go for a long walk outside in the sunshine. Lily has a nap, and I relax and catch up on my shows. Lily wakes up and we make dinner together, and everything is ready when daddy comes home, and we have a nice hour together before I have to work.





And some days I don't want to wake up. I roll out of bed, but I don't want to get dressed and take the dogs out, so I wear mismatched pajamas, only so the cops don't get called on me for indecent exposure. I feed Lily a bowl of colorful sugar, and turn the television on. I plop down on the couch, and play on my phone until Lily gets bored and starts bringing toys over to me because I'm not paying any attention to her. I feed Lily lunch of Easy Mac, and then make her take a nap even though she's not tired since we haven't done anything. At some point I text Lance telling him not to expect dinner, and that if he brought something home (usually Little Caesar's) it would be great.





Today is the latter.

Although I did make dinner.



I'm feeling back to my old self again! The old, tired me that was around for 6 months. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I definitely have no energy or willpower.  Two days in a row now.

My head feels cloudy, like I've just woken up. Even though I woke up about 9 hours ago.


I feel like a failure of a mother and a person.


I'm pretty tired of not having any friends. I know it's a two way street. So what I should say is that I'm tired of not having the courage to make friends.


I'm pretty homesick for a home that I don't have.


I feel like Lily is missing out on social experiences because she's not in a playgroup, she's not in a pre-school, or a dance class. She doesn't have little cousins nearby she can play with.  It's just me and her. Day in and day out. I feel like a failure because I'm caught between wanting to enroll her in something, but being afraid of the days when I get off work at 4am. How will I get her to a 10am class?  Getting out of the house before 2pm is a challenge, on any given day, let alone the days where I get off work really late.



I'm caught between loving my job and needing the insurance benefits, and not wanting to work and being able to sleep more.  I feel overextended and overwhelmed.


Here's to hoping I get off work at a decent time tonight so I can get the rest I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.