Carol

TV shows and movies always over dramatize things.  According to them, mothers in law are supposed to be mean, jealous, accuse you of stealing away her son, not invite you things, resent you, treat you poorly and all other sorts of negative things.

Does anyone really have a mother in law like that?  I don't.

Lance's mom, Carol, is the sweetest, kindest, most soft spoken, gentle, kindhearted, selfless, thoughtful person I have ever known.  I don't think she has ever yelled in her entire life.

I can't remember how long ago, but Carol was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.  I want to say this was three years ago.  The solution?  Remove the thyroid.  Done and done.  She went in for her post-checkup and she still had traces of cancer in her throat.  From that point on, she went through round after round of radiation.

I can't say I know all of the details, because Carol and Jerry were very private about their struggles.  They never wanted anyone to know of the pain they were in or the hardships they were going through. However, it seemed like every couple of months, Carol would do another round of radiation.

Then one day, Carol started to cough.  A little cough here and there.  Lily was a newborn and Carol would say, "I'm not sick, it's just the cancer." Cancer had spread to her lungs and the irritation caused her to cough a little. The coughing got worse and worse each week.  Eventually, she was constantly coughing. Sometimes the coughing would get so bad that she would cough up blood.  I can't imagine what that was like.  She told us it was so annoying to cough all the time, and she could hardly sleep.  I felt such sympathy for her, I just want her to be comfortable!

Then we got the news: Carol has stage four lung cancer.  She has 1 to 5 years to live if she does chemotherapy.  6 months to a year without chemotherapy.  Her doctor said he was going to refer her to a cancer specialist.

Let's stop right there.

Carol has been battling cancer for three years, and you are just NOW (three months ago) referring her to cancer specialist?!  I was livid when I found out about this.  I thought we always knew it was cancer.  I thought she was already seeing a cancer doctor!

When Lance told me this, I broke into sobs.  Carol doesn't deserve this.  No one with cancer deserves it.  No one does.  I couldn't believe it had gotten so bad.  And so quickly.  Between when the coughing started and this diagnosis it was about three months.

When we went on our vacation to San Francisco, we got a call from Lance's sister in the middle of the night.  Carol was having "episodes".  She couldn't react or respond to questions if people asked her things.  She parked her car on her sidewalk and left it that way.  There is more, but out of respect for my family, I will not share. We felt so helpless.  We were so far away, we did not know what was going on. We feared for the worst.

I'm not Lance. I can't imagine what he felt like.  I saw him, I was with him, I did my best to be supportive of him, but I can't tell you what he truly felt.  I can tell you that no matter how horrible I felt, he felt worse.

We got another call.  Cancer is now in Carol's brain. 

Brain tumors. 

They put her on some kind of medication and she no longer has "episodes" like she did when we were away.

Carol now lives with Nicole, Lance's sister.  At first she was doing chemotherapy and radiation (I didn't know they were different things), but after each treatment she would get sicker, so she has now refused treatment.  She's lost a ton of weight.  About a month ago she was down to just 118lbs.  It's hard for her to eat, because it hurts her mouth, and nothing tastes good.  It's hard for her to get up, because she is so weak.

It's heartbreaking. 

I'm not an eloquent speaker or writer.  I can't put in words how I feel about this.  The best I can say is that it's incapacitating.  You are watching this happen to someone you love and care about and you have absolute zero control over the outcome.  All I want to do is take away the pain she's in, the frustration she feels. I pray for her, but I know that's not really going to help anything.  That may sound like a bitter statement, and it is.  Maybe praying for her is really supposed to help me.

It's hard. I love Carol.

Lance and I started dating when I was 14.  It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth.  I'm not perfect. Carol always accepted me.  Jerry did as well.  I was always welcome at their house.  Carol always made me feel welcome with her daughters.

Lance and I went through a lot of drama during the 5 years we dated before we were married. Shortly after Lance and I were married, Carol told me, "I always knew you'd end up together. I never saw it any other way."

I love you, Carol.  I hate seeing you like this.  The most comforting thing I can think of is that Jerry is excited to see you, and I'm sure you're eager as well.  The best I can do is make the most of this limited time we have left.  I wish I could get over to see you more. Thank you for giving me your son. Thank you for introducing me to scrapbooking. Thank you for welcoming me into your family with open arms.