Healing Old Wounds

I went back through old posts and added some labels.  Apparently, this was a draft I never published. I think this was originally written a little over a year ago...

Since I accidentally published it 10 minutes ago, no use in deleting it now.




Lately I've been studying a lot about repentance and forgiveness, and it has brought up a lot of feelings from the past.

I was bullied for most of my school life.  I was bullied in elementary school, by my "friends." People who I trusted, would one day turn on me and hate me, without any warning.  Then they'd all get together and would all be "against me."  They would shout horrible things at me at recess, and I had to spend recess alone, usually trying to hide. In junior high, I got more of the same, even though I had moved to a new city.  Junior high was worse because the bulling went online. Being online, it felt like it never went away.  Going home from school didn't stop the agony, in fact, it made it worse at times. At my darkest point, I remember telling my mom that I wanted to go "home", meaning heaven.

Frenemies.  Either I attract them, or I create them.

I don't think young girls, myself included, realize that if you're upset with someone, ignoring them and pretending they don't exist one day, and then making fun of them, and saying mean things to them the next day isn't going to solve any problems.

Learning more about my Type 4 energy has made me realize that I could have said something critical to someone and they could have taken offense, even though I never meant offense, nor did I even realize it could be taken offensively.  Also, my "bold stillness" could have often been interpreted as sadness. My sense of humor is very literal, or dry. Sarcasm.  My first reaction is always, always to be sarcastic, which can be considered rude or condescending.

I can't change the past.  I cannot mend the broken relationships, or change other people, but I can change myself. I can mend the way I view those people.  I can try to be better.  I have made numerous mistakes in my life and I understand what means to have sins "as red as scarlet."  Some points in my life, I feel like they were beyond scarlet, and perhaps pure black. I also know what it means to have them be restored and once more be "as white as wool".

I am nothing without my Savior.  He is everything to me.