What Will You Allow Him to Forgive?

I couldn't sleep last night.

It was Friday, the only night I can go to bed as early as my heart desires, and my brain would not shut off.

I thought about Primary, about my lesson this Sunday, about my previous lessons.  Am I doing a good job? Am I failing these kids?  This whole month I've been teaching about the temple - have I inspired a desire to go to the temple in any of them?

You guys, I guard my deep emotions. I am afraid of them. This is why I have only born my testimony in testimony meeting once in my life. I do not want to cry. I don't like opening myself up to people. That's when people can hurt you. And rejection after you've truly opened up to someone is extremely painful.

I prayed, I read scriptures for an hour, I got on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest.  Then I shut my phone off at 1:30am.

I tossed and turned and tossed and turned.  Then, I got sick of trying to sleep so I turned my phone back on. 3:00am, it said.

I opened up my notes app and I started writing.  Just writing, writing whatever came to my mind.  This is what it ended up.  I hope it helps someone.  Maybe it will help you.


Having been through the church discipline system myself, more times than I care to admit, I want to share just a smidge of my experience.

I've had to have unfortunate conversations with four different bishops in my life.  Each bishop had a different personality, different occupations, different quirks. Each was at a different stage in their life - young, middle aged, old. They each had a different way they liked to run things, or organize things.  They were all identical in a few key ways:

1. They told me I had worth.
2. They told me they loved me
and most importantly
3. They each told me that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. No matter what.

Each bishop has given me excellent advice and council, that I know was inspired of the Lord.  In my younger years, I ignored that advice and council, thinking I knew a better way. Or I knew myself better, so I know what's best for me.  How could they know what's best for me when they don't even truly know me?

Looking back, I wished I had listened.  It took me a few tries to actually listen, and you know, the craziest thing happened once I did listen.  This stranger, who didn't even know my name before I sulked into their office, knew exactly what I needed to hear and do to get better. To be better. To be the best version of myself.

My favorite bit of council was this: "The Lord is quick to forgive."

I know that is true. I pushed my Savior and his spirit away from me for years. I fought against the spirit. I pretended I was fine. I pretended nothing was wrong. I pretended to be a good-standing member of the church who had no misdeeds.

Yet when the weight of my sins came crashing down on me, my Savior was still there to help me, strengthen me, and guide me.  I, quite literally, believe he carried me.  He carried my steps in the direction I needed to take them.

He is quick to forgive.  We just have to be willing to do whatever it takes to receive that forgiveness.  This required humility.  This requires listening to people who might not even know our names.

Each bishop I worked with prayed for me, and how to handle my unique, individual situation. It was never: you did this, so your punishment is that.  There was, is, and always will be more that goes into it.

I feel the Savior is the same way. He knows me, my situation, my weaknesses and my strengths. He is fair and just.  And he communicates the proper information to those who are in a position to help us.

Church discipline is always for the benefit of the individual. It is never to embarrass or belittle the person being disciplined.  It is designed to help you become a better person. Part of becoming better is to feel Godly sorrow for what you have done.

I have felt Godly sorrow. God weeps for the sins of the world. He has wept for me.






Isaiah 1:18 says: "...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."

I thought my sins were black. They were beyond red.  They were so dark, there was no possible way to make them white again.  But they are white.  I am clean.  It wasn't easy.

I had to let go of pride.

My most recent experience was the most difficult.  It is difficult to retell it here and now, without knowing how it will be taken.

I was mostly inactive at church.  I had a calling as a primary teacher, and that was very difficult for me to fulfill.  I never wanted to go.  I never went to Sacrament meeting.  I didn't make any effort to meet people in the ward.  I wanted to be invisible.  I loved the children I taught, and I wanted them to be better than I was.  I did the best I could, but with the weight of my transgressions, it was really difficult.

I rarely prayed. And even then, it was only at family gatherings, when other people would see.

One day I decided I wanted to change.  Lily was young, and I started reading her the scriptures.  And then I started praying with her in the mornings.  And then I started saying bed time prayers.

Baby steps.

And then the guilt of my past bubbled up.  It had before.  I knew this was coming.  I felt the sorrow for what I had done.  My first reaction was to stop everything. Stop praying, stop reading scriptures.  This is what was causing those feelings, right?  This will make it stop!

And then I got a message, so to speak.  It was very clear. "Do you believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true?"

"Um.. well... yes..." I thought.

"Then act like it."

Four words changed my life.

"Then act like it."

I became quite ill at this point.  Not with the flu or a cold.  But I was very nauseous.  I was dizzy. I had a head ache.  I knew what needed to be done to feel better. To get rid of the guilt for good.  I emailed the ward executive secretary asking for an appointment with the bishop.  As soon as the appointment was confirmed, my nausea went away.

Those days leading up to the appointment were very difficult.  Fight or flight, is how I would describe it.  On one side you have a feeling of hope, and encouragement. "You can do this!" You are going to be so happy!"  "You are doing the right thing." And on the other, "What is everyone going to think when they see you not taking the sacrament?" "You are going to be excommunicated.  You know you are. You've been through this before, and your previous bishop said it would happen." "No one will come to your re-baptism because they will be so ashamed of you."


I wanted to run away and hide at every turn.  But one message played in my head that trumped them all, "I care not about what the world thinks of me. I care only what my Father in heaven thinks of me."  I think it was my own version of quote I read out of The Miracle of Forgiveness.   Either way, it's my motto for how I live my life now.

The appointment was on my 25th birthday. Sunday, April 14, 2013. I honestly am amazed that I made it to the appointment. Even sitting in the chair outside the bishops office, I had feelings to run and hide. "I care only what Heavenly Father thinks of me." I said in my mind, over and over again.

That bishop was so good to me.  I was sobbing, and I told him I couldn't be helped.  He told me I could be helped. He told me everything I stated above - My savior loves me. My savior wants to forgive me. That bishop didn't know my name before that appointment, but he told me he loved me.  And I believed, and to this day, still believe him.

He told me he needed to council with the Lord about what to do with my situation, and we made an appointment to meet again in a few days. Tuesday.

The follow up appointment was easier.  The confession was done. I had nothing to hide.  I still thought I could be excommunicated.

I wasn't.  I'm still surprised I wasn't.

He outlined what I needed to do to be in good standing in the Church again.


And then, he got released a month later.



My heart broke.  And I once again started to fear men.  "Now ANOTHER person will know my humiliating story."

Meeting with a new bishop was difficult.  But I could tell I had made spiritual progress.  And the importance of "I care only what my Father in heaven thinks of me." was growing, quickly.

At that point I moved.  And had to meet with another bishop.  I received more excellent advice and council.

It was soon after this that I was in good standing in the church again.



I had to do things that were extremely uncomfortable.


I had to say things that were extremely uncomfortable. And I had to say them more than once.

I realize each step, each event, was for my benefit.  Each thing I went through helped me. It has made me stronger. And it reinforced my ability to not care about what people think of me, but to care only about what Heavenly Father thinks of me.


Heavenly Father wants to forgive. He's waiting for us, with his arms wide open.

If I could go back eight years, I would tell younger me: Go to Him!  Pour out your heart. Tell him your true feelings, good and bad.  He already knows the real you, don't try to hide anything.

The Lord is quick to forgive.

If the Lord can forgive my eight years of being a wolf in sheep's clothing in a matter of 5 months, what else can he forgive?  What will you allow him to forgive?


I have a testimony of the atonement.  I know that Jesus suffered for me. I know that He loves me, and that He has forgiven me. And I know He will forgive you too, if you let him.