Monday, April 11, 2016

Pregnant Ramblings

Thank you, What to Expect for this article. I've felt like a huge blob of failure for the past four months. 

"Anyone who visits a pregnant woman should anticipate that her home won't be spotless. Why? Because she's growing another human being and has no extra energy for details like toilet bowls! Working moms especially know that it's hard enough to get through the workday and come home to collapse -- much less continue our pre-pregnancy days of Martha Stewarting or Ree Drummonding.

And after baby comes, it's okay if you are living out of takeout containers and your nursery isn't yet Pinterest-worthy. All visitors should bring food, wipes, and a gift, in order of importance. And they should tidy up your kitchen and throw in a load of laundry."

I had a really rough recovery with Lily. I hated having company because it meant I had to put on pants and I had to cover up when I nursed. And yeah, I guess the latter isn't a "have to" but I don't really enjoy people seeing my naked breasts. Even my own mother.

So there's that. 

My mom helped a ton while she visited me and I was very sad when she left. I wondered if I could handle it all on my own. 

Of course all help, and meals were greatly appreciated. I had really bad PPD so functioning at all was a challenge. I hope and pray that labor, delivery, and recovery are easier on me this time around. Let's hope baby isn't posterior and that I don't have back labor, and that I don't push for two hours before the discovery of baby being posterior thus making it stuck and needing forceps to literally rip it out of me. 

Third degree tears. And an additional tear in the inside where the forceps cut me. That one took forever to heal. 

Once again I'm going to attempt a natural birth, but not in a hospital. I'm planning on going to a birthing center and having a water birth. There will be no IVs or constant monitoring. I will be free to move and labor how I want. And if baby comes in 19 hours or less I'm sure I'll be fine, because that's how long I labored drug free with Lily. 

I can do this. I hope I will recover faster. I hope I will be happier this time and able to enjoy all the little moments, rather than feeling like my baby hates me and me crying every day for 5 months. 

I had my 16 week appointment recently. Everything is going good! My weight gain is on track. She (my doctor) said my blood test came back with everything normal. Next month will be the big ultra sound where we learn the gender! We are struggling with names, so having a gender will help, I hope.

I'm feeling pretty good. I've noticed a pattern where if I have a busy, active day, I'm 99% useless the next day. The dogs might not get taken outside at all unless I open the door and pray they don't chase someone, or that someone doesn't see the poop I don't pick up on those days. No cleaning will happen. Dinner probably won't get made. And I'll definitely take a nap before I start working. 

Most days are pretty good. I take a walk with Lily and the dogs (and I DO pick up their doo doo). I do dishes. I make dinner. I wash and fold a load of laundry (putting it away is another story). I play toys with Lily and read her stories. 

I'm feeling a little sad that Lily won't be my one and only anymore. I love her so much and I love all the time I get with her. I'm kind of a selfish mom... I don't like lily to learn new things when I'm not watching or cheering her on. I don't want to miss a moment of her life. I'm going to have an extremely hard time with preschool next year. She's my whole world and I can't imagine time without her.

I'm sure it will all work out. I'm just scared of the change. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Long Update

It seems I haven't written in a while.  But really, I have. I just haven't published them...

January 23

Last night, we found out we are pregnant.

My period was late. Later than usual. Normally I have 30-32 days in my cycle, but it was day 37 and I still had nothing. I had some suspicions since I was feeling really tired, and my chest region was feeling uncomfortable.  But, I've had so many negative pregnancy tests in the past 3 years, I did not want to get my hopes up.  But at the same time, I wanted to get it over with and know so I didn't have to wait around for another period to show up.

I took the test, and set a time to come back and look at it.  I wanted to be pregnant, but I was trying really hard to tell myself that I'm not pregnant and I shouldn't even be taking a test.  You know, to keep my hopes down (even though they were already sky high, as usual...).

Lance wanted to look first. He looked at it, then said, "We're not."

So I went and looked at it... and... well...

Lance thought that since one of the lines on the "plus" was faded it meant we weren't. But we're totally pregnant!

And then I cried.


Today I've been so excited all day! All I want to talk about is being pregnant, and babies, and baby stuff.  I feel really bloated and have a lot of pressure in my lower tummy area.  I'm really tired and I wanted to take a nap, but I couldn't sleep because I'm so excited.

Today we told Lance's sisters and my brother Jared. I also told my boss, Donni, since my due date directly affects my job's busiest time of the year when they normally ask that we don't take extra time off.

September 22nd, is my due date.

And I am SO EXCITED!!!

January 30

This week has been difficult, to put it lightly.

Monday I took Lily to EPCOT. We rode Nemo, Living With the Land, The Grand Fiesta Tour, Test Track, and Spaceship Earth. It was a great afternoon together. I figured I shouldn't ride exciting rides much longer, so I want to get a last few in before it's too late. 

The rest of the week I felt like crap. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I can't eat anything without feeling queasy and yet if I eat nothing it's worse. They say every pregnancy is different but this is polar opposite of Lily! Is it my age? My physical shape? Both? Blegh. 

So back in November, Lily told us we needed to buy presents for our baby. "It's got eyes and a mouth and it looks like a girl," she told us.

She ended up being right about the baby, but we have yet to see about the gender. However, now she is telling us there is a brother and a sister. She's told us a few times. That scares me. A lot. 

I'm craving soup and bread and potatoes. So, that's what's on the menu this week. That is, if I can stand long enough to cook without passing out. I feel like all muscle tone has been drained from my body. This baby is literally sucking the life out of me. 

February 4

I'm 7 weeks today!

My boss and friend, Donni, told me that extra iron helped her during her pregnancies "at an advanced age." When I was pregnant with Lily, the iron in my blood was low, and my doctor recommended that I take extra iron. So because of that, I figured it would be fine to take extra this time. I'm currently taking over 300% of the daily recommended value of iron and I feel great!  Too great!  It's only been a couple of days, but I'm starting to feel so good that I worry what that means for baby.

Food aversions are getting better, but they're not perfect. I went to the grocery store and bought everything that sounded good, and then none of it sounded good the next day.  Or any day after that.

Today I made chili and roasted potatoes for dinner. It was ok. But I really miss food being wonderful. It's such a chore lately.

I really want to make and can some homemade salsa. I think that would be something good to snack on.

I took Lily to Hollywood Studios yesterday. We had fun together.  We went to the Frozen singalong, and I didn't feel emotional, but I had tears pouring from my eyes.  Lily was adorable singing the songs.  It was super cute!

Today I went to bed at 4am, and Lily was up at 6am.  At 10am I finally convinced her to come lay down with me.  And we both slept until 2:30.  It was awesome.

Right now I don't feel so great.  I don't think I had enough water today. Feeling really thirsty.

By the way, soda tastes like crap. It's good because it got me to quit Coke cold turkey. But the caffeine withdrawals were nasty for the first few days.

February 11

This week has been rough.

My main pregnancy symptom is fatigue. But, I was already always tired, so no biggie, right? Wrong. I can't do jack. It's hard to get out of bed before noon. It's 1:15 right now and Lily has woken me up every hour since 9am. Lance's alarm woke me up at 5:45. So that means the longest uninterrupted stretch I slept last night was 6am to 9am. 

My house is a disaster. Lance has helped, but cleaning once a week does nothing in the big picture. We have laundry everywhere, both clean and dirty. Dirty dishes are piled up, cereal is spilled and ground into the carpet, and a %&#@$ dog that thinks the office is a toilet. I can't take care of myself, let alone a toddler, husband, two dogs, and a house, while also working full time in the middle of the night AND being pregnant. I am over the edge.  I need help but I have no one. I am alone. I am depressed.

I started locking the dogs in the office at night. Lily used to let them out of the office in the morning and scream and chase them around and I was tired of it waking me up. I also thought maybe it was stressing them out and that's why the poop but it hasn't helped. And yes, I'm taking the dogs out enough. There also was an incident where Bentley bit Lily on the face. Before this happened we have tried explaining to Lily not to tease the dogs. We've yelled at her. We've given her time outs. And spankings. She will not listen. So no, I wasn't surprised. I believe Bentley did everything she could to get away from Lily. But Lily chases them, squeals at them, pulls their legs and traps them in a corner. It was Bentley's last resort to bite Lily, and it didn't break the skin, which also told me that Bentley didn't want to hurt Lily, she wanted Lily to leave her alone. I don't know what to do. Obviously my dogs aren't good with kids. And no, this didn't teach Lily anything. Her behavior has not changed. I even went as far as showing her the picture of my dad after a dog ripped his nose off. It goes both ways though, if Bentley starts growling at Lily, I send Bentley out of the room. 

I've been cooking, but cooking is hard when all food makes you want to puke. I haven't puked, but the aversions are extreme. Basically all I want to eat is salad and potatoes. No meat, no cheese, no onion.  Even most dressings are gross. Baked potatoes with butter, sour cream and seasoned salt are my staple. Most food gives me heartburn. 

My underwear is already too tight. And I'm only 8 weeks along. I think it's just bloating.

All of this being said, I'm still extremely grateful to be pregnant. I've wanted this for so long. Some days I don't feel so bad, and I try to do something fun with Lily. On Monday, I took her to Animal Kingdom. We had fun together on a safari and saw giraffes, hippos, rhinos, elephants, warthogs, cheetahs, lions, wild dogs, okapi, zebras, crocodiles and more I can't remember the names of. We had lunch at Pizzafari, which is usually delicious but not this time due to my aversions. But Lily requested it. We went on Dinosaur because Lily loves Dinosaurs. And we went on Triceratops Spin. It was a short visit, but it was something.

March 19

The past month has been a bit of a roller coaster.  I'm trying to be better about at least getting the dishes done each day.  Most days I have to do them twice. Especially if I'm cooking dinner.

My house is still trashed, and I'm not sure that will change any time soon.

You probably thing I'm exaggerating the state of my house, but I can assure you, I'm not.

My sweet grandma passed away two weeks ago.  My heart broke.  It's hard because I know the last couple of years were miserable for her, but I still didn't want her to go.

I miss her.

When I was pregnant with Lily, she would call me every week just to see how I was doing.

I wish I had seen her more.  We went to her house every once in a while, but I never really made it a priority.

At her funeral, my aunt Carla said, "How else would each of her 20 grandchildren think they were her favorite?"  And I just thought to myself, "I never thought I was her favorite."  I know she loved me, and she always made me feel special, but I don't open up and connect with people very easily. It's hard to be someone's favorite if you don't even open up to them.

On a slightly related note, what is up with people who I love dearly passing away when I'm pregnant?  Lance's dad died when I was first pregnant with Lily.  Now my grandma, with baby #2.  Let's not repeat this again, ok?

Also, apparently I can only have babies on leap years. ;-)  Lily was born in 2012, and this one will be born in 2016.

4 years apart, that's quite the gap.  But Lily is so, so, excited.  She has been to my first two doctor visits, and she loves seeing the baby.

She says that she has a baby in her tummy too.  She says hers is a girl and mommy's is a boy.

Daddy was scratching his tummy the other day, and Lily looked at him and said, "Your baby is growing!"   Hahaha!  He has a bit to lose around the middle, I guess.

At my last appointment, my doctor asked what my pre-pregnancy weight was.  I gave her the last number I saw on the scale.  Then she told me we were already at +10.

I panicked.

And then I realized, we're comparing a butt naked weight, to a fully clothed in jeans and shoes weight.

And then I also realized, my battery died on my scale last summer, so my "pre-pregnancy" weight is from 6 months ago.  Before Christmas, and a Utah trip, and Emilee's wedding trip....  So I got online and looked up my weight from my first visit.  It was the same as my second visit.

I'm counting my first visit's weight as my pre-pregnancy weight.  Because I couldn't eat anything anyway.

Weight is something I obsess about a little too much.  So telling me I've gained 10 pounds in 12 weeks is not a good thing to do.  My immediate reaction was to stop eating.

I also got my blood test last week.  I looked up the results online and my MCV was high.  I haven't talked to my doctor about it yet, but what that means is:

Mean corpuscular volume (MCV) is the average volume of red cells. 

And what does that mean, exactly?  Well, according to another Google search:

In pernicious anemia (macrocytic), MCV can range up to 150 femtolitres. An elevated MCV is also associated with alcoholism (as are an elevated GGT and a ratio of AST:ALT of 2:1). Vitamin B12 and/or folic acid deficiency has also been associated with macrocytic anemia (high MCVnumbers).

I forgot to pack my pre-natals when I spent a week in Utah, so perhaps that is the cause.  I'm not sure though.  For now, I'm trying to be more diligent with them, and I'll talk to my doctor again on April 11.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Goal Update

I read somewhere recently that when you share your goals, you're less likely to achieve them.

I can't help but think it's because of all the naysayers out there.  Negativity. People who expect you to fail.

Even if they don't say it, sometimes you can feel what they're thinking.

I can sense those vibes.

Now, personally, on my blog, I don't sense any of that.  I'm behind a screen, you're behind a screen. Unless we discuss goals in person, I don't feel any negative influence at all.  Besides Satan. But, he's another story.

That jerk.

Ok, so, I made some goals earlier this year.    Here's how I'm doing.

1. Get pregnant - check

2. Cook dinner 5 times a week - doing well

3. Save money - doing really well

4. Walk 30 minutes a day - doing ok

5. Quit soda - doing pretty good, because of #1

6. Travel somewhere I've never been - in the works.

In other news. it's 5am and I just got done working.  Thank goodness it's conference weekend.  Conference starts at noon, and I plan to sleep until then.

I missed conference today. We were at Lily's dance class for the AM session, and I totally fell asleep during the second session.

But, one amazing thing about living right now is that I could listen and/or watch conference while I worked tonight.  So, I listened to both of today's sessions, as well as the Priesthood session.


I have just a couple of notes for myself.

1. Pray to recognize the spirit in Lily's life so I can point it out to her.
-Focus on what she feels and encourage her to act on it.

2. Hold family council. Discuss family problems, plans, and offer support for each other.