Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Head Banging

Today Lily and I drove up to Sandy to have lunch with Daddy.  I always love doing that, it's always so much fun.

We went to one of our favorite places; Zupas.  There was a couple at the table next to us, and Lily was staring at them.  The gentleman smiled at her, and she smiled back and started dancing (which at this point looks more like a head bang).  The guy laughed and started doing the same thing.  It was really cute.

After a few minutes the gentlemen looked at me and said simply, "She's awesome!"

I know she's awesome. :-)   But it's nice to hear from strangers.

Monday, December 17, 2012


When I update my blog but none of my blog friends update theirs for days, weeks or months, I feel lonely. I feel like I'm in a cement room, all by myself, talking to myself, about myself, for myself.

Echo.... echo... echo.

Friday, December 14, 2012


When I was 10 years old, my little sister Elise, who was 4, had a strange encounter with a stranger.  The stranger told her that if she went into the bushes and showed him her bum she could have whatever she wanted.

Scary, huh?

Elise, being smart, said she needed to go home and ask her mom first.  So she did.  My mom freaked out, as any reasonable mother would.  Then we spent weeks trying to figure out who the stranger was, if he lived around here, and if he would be harming children in the area.

Turns out he was a teenage cousin of someone who lived in the area, and he was just a weirdo. He didn't really mean harm, he was just being stupid. Either way, we never saw nor heard from him again.

One thing I really remember about experience was that I was terrified.  Before we found out who it was, I remember telling Eric that I wasn't ever going to go outside ever again.

Eric told me I was being stupid.  He didn't use those words, but that's what he was saying.  He then went on to explain to me that Heavenly Father has a plan for everyone, and sometimes that plan includes terrible things.  He said if it was in my plan for me to be molested by a stranger, that even if I stayed in the house for the rest of my life, it would happen.

Kind of graphic and horrible for a 12 year old to tell a 10 year old, but I knew what he was saying.  We can't live in fear of what might happen. We need to be brave, strong, trust in the Lord and follow the Spirit.

The world is getting more wicked as time goes on. It's been foretold.  I'm not surprised. I am absolutely disgusted, but I'm not surprised.  Living in fear isn't going to help the situation.  I need to strengthen my testimony, and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost and in doing so I'll always be right where I am meant to be.

I can't imagine the pain that the victims in Connecticut are going through, but I pray that they will find peace and know that their angels are now freed from the evils that surround us.  They will be reunited again, sooner than they might think.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

North Carolina!

I'm going to see my family!!!!!

For a few days there, I thought we weren't going to make it happen.  Flight prices were nearing $700, per person.

Seriously?  How rude.

I found a loophole.  We're flying into Greensboro (instead of Raleigh), and when we return we'll be flying out of Raleigh.  Greensboro is about 1.5 hours from Raleigh.  But 1.5 hours of driving is very much worth the money we saved by doing it this way.

And now I get to stress, worry, plan, and prepare to fly with a 9 month old baby who gets bored easily and can only sleep in her crib, on her tummy, in complete silence and isolation.

You do not envy me, I know.

Anyway, once the bad part (aka, the four-hour flight from Salt Lake to Chicago) is over, I get to relax and have fun with the ones I love the most!

Here's what I wanna do!

Les Misérables Movie Poster

I want to see Les Mis! I hate the casting, but I must see this movie, and I must see it with my father.  No exceptions.

I want to go to the beach!

I want to eat sushi!  I love sushi. I imagine I'll love it more in a state that isn't landlocked.

That's all I can think of now.  I better go to bed.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


I'm just like my daddy...
Daddy makes the same face when he sees himself in the mirror.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Pretty Girl

Since I can now blog from my phone, I have no excuse for having photo free entries.
She likes to take handfuls of food and shove as much as she can in her mouth

Daddy left a bag of chocolate covered pomegranate on the floor and Lily found it.  She had a chocolate party!
My girls in their Christmas dresses. :-)

She used to never snuggle like this, but now she does every day. Mostly when she's tired.  It melts my heart.
She loves bath time!  And I love giving her moe hawks.

She likes to stand up using the bottom stair, then she squeals and waves her arm around in the air - "MOM! Look at me!"

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Not in the Mood

I haven't been in the mood to type out my feelings.  I can't put into words how I've felt the past couple of weeks.

Lance's dear mother, Carol, passed away on Thursday, November 15 at about 7:15pm.  It was a long, heartbreaking day.

Tuesday night I skipped out on work to go see her, which I blogged about already.  Wednesday night, Lance went up alone and gave Carol a blessing, a blessing to release her spirit from her frail body.  Thursday morning, Lance was getting ready for work when he got a call from Nicole, his sister.  Carol was making "gargling" or "wheezing" noises. Nicole had already spoken to hospice, and they said that when you are closer to passing away, those are the types of noises you make as you're trying to breathe.

Lance got off the phone, filled me in on the info, and then we embraced each other as we both sobbed.

We spent the entire day up at Nicole's house where Carol had been living.  Carol was in a coma and she slept all day, but we talked to her and we told her we loved her.

Hospice checked in every couple of hours.

The kids (my neices and nephews) had been playing outside all day long, but when the sun went down they all came inside.  It started to get really loud in the small living room space, and Lily was getting overwhelmed.  She was also tired, so I took her upstairs to feed her and put her down for a nap.

Lance came up and told me that his mom was gone.  I did my best to be strong for him.

I'm still in a state of shock.  It has almost been two weeks, and I still can't believe it. 

 Both parents gone.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


The election is over. This week at work has been extremely slow, and instead of working through it, I've been taking it easy and leaving early.  It's been nice to be able to recover, spend time with Lance, play with Lily, and to actually be awake and alert during the day.

I sorted my three month build up of laundry. That was fun.  I wiped down our couches, dusted, and vacuumed the downstairs. It was disgusting.  Don't ask about the rest of our house.

We had our first mouse.  Lance went upstairs to get some food for Lily and saw it run from the cupboard to underneath the stove.  Two days later it was caught in a trap we had set in the pantry.  Still not sure if there are more, but we've left the traps up just in case.

I haven't started cooking again yet.  One thing at a time!  I have lots of yummy meal ideas pinned on Pinterest though.  I'm still recovering from my two months of hell.

I'm pretty lazy.  If I have one thing planned for the day, that is the only thing that will happen.  For example, today I went visiting teaching.  So, that's why I'm putting off sweeping and mopping the kitchen floors for another day.  They're so dirty, one more day isn't going to hurt anything.

Lily.  Oh my goodness, that girl!  She crawls all over the place, and she likes to pull herself up onto her feet using the bottom step of the stairs.  She loves to clap and she loves to babble as if she's talking to us.  She still loves to nurse, and she'll cry for it even if she's not hungry.  I don't mind. I enjoy it because it's the only time she'll snuggle with me.  She loves to eat.  If she's full and I'm eating, she needs to be eating as well. She loves feeding herself.  We started giving her little things she can pick up and eat like small pieces of cooked carrots, bits of banana, those yogurt bites you can get at the store, and the rice poof thingies that dissolve quickly.  She gets upset if we try to feed her baby food.  I can just hear her, "Come on, give me some texture here!"  Her favorite toy is still a rattle.  She likes to shake it and throw it.  Of all the toys she has, something so simple makes her happy, and I love it.

I've joked about just getting her wrapping paper for Christmas.  A - She's not going to remember Christmas, and B - she likes interaction with us more than she likes toys.

Lance's mom.  Not good.  I had a strong feeling to see her yesterday instead of working, so we did.  We stayed there for quite a while.  She was asleep until the last 5 minutes.  I could tell she knew we were there.  I smiled at her, and all she could do was raise her eyebrows.

Yesterday Nicole told us that Carol hadn't eaten in two days, and has been sleeping a lot. Carol can't mentally process much. She doesn't really understand what's going on around her, and has called Nicole "mom" a few times.  Today, her hospice nurse said that from her experience, Carol has 3 to 7 days left.

I'm not sure I want to celebrate Thanksgiving.  One part of me thinks we should celebrate Thanksgiving, and give thanks for the lives that Carol and Jerry lived, the amazing children they raised, and the wonderful example of acceptance and love they have shown me. 

The other part of me wants to stay in bed all day and cry. 

If I didn't have Lily, or a job, I would.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Acknowledge the Blessings

While I did not vote for Obama, this quote from President Monson keeps playing over and over in my mind:

Rather than focusing on the negative, take a step back and acknowledge the blessings.

My cousin posted a wonderful way of acknowledging your blessings.  I hope she doesn't mind if I steal it!

Saturday, November 3, 2012


TV shows and movies always over dramatize things.  According to them, mothers in law are supposed to be mean, jealous, accuse you of stealing away her son, not invite you things, resent you, treat you poorly and all other sorts of negative things.

Does anyone really have a mother in law like that?  I don't.

Lance's mom, Carol, is the sweetest, kindest, most soft spoken, gentle, kindhearted, selfless, thoughtful person I have ever known.  I don't think she has ever yelled in her entire life.

I can't remember how long ago, but Carol was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.  I want to say this was three years ago.  The solution?  Remove the thyroid.  Done and done.  She went in for her post-checkup and she still had traces of cancer in her throat.  From that point on, she went through round after round of radiation.

I can't say I know all of the details, because Carol and Jerry were very private about their struggles.  They never wanted anyone to know of the pain they were in or the hardships they were going through. However, it seemed like every couple of months, Carol would do another round of radiation.

Then one day, Carol started to cough.  A little cough here and there.  Lily was a newborn and Carol would say, "I'm not sick, it's just the cancer." Cancer had spread to her lungs and the irritation caused her to cough a little. The coughing got worse and worse each week.  Eventually, she was constantly coughing. Sometimes the coughing would get so bad that she would cough up blood.  I can't imagine what that was like.  She told us it was so annoying to cough all the time, and she could hardly sleep.  I felt such sympathy for her, I just want her to be comfortable!

Then we got the news: Carol has stage four lung cancer.  She has 1 to 5 years to live if she does chemotherapy.  6 months to a year without chemotherapy.  Her doctor said he was going to refer her to a cancer specialist.

Let's stop right there.

Carol has been battling cancer for three years, and you are just NOW (three months ago) referring her to cancer specialist?!  I was livid when I found out about this.  I thought we always knew it was cancer.  I thought she was already seeing a cancer doctor!

When Lance told me this, I broke into sobs.  Carol doesn't deserve this.  No one with cancer deserves it.  No one does.  I couldn't believe it had gotten so bad.  And so quickly.  Between when the coughing started and this diagnosis it was about three months.

When we went on our vacation to San Francisco, we got a call from Lance's sister in the middle of the night.  Carol was having "episodes".  She couldn't react or respond to questions if people asked her things.  She parked her car on her sidewalk and left it that way.  There is more, but out of respect for my family, I will not share. We felt so helpless.  We were so far away, we did not know what was going on. We feared for the worst.

I'm not Lance. I can't imagine what he felt like.  I saw him, I was with him, I did my best to be supportive of him, but I can't tell you what he truly felt.  I can tell you that no matter how horrible I felt, he felt worse.

We got another call.  Cancer is now in Carol's brain. 

Brain tumors. 

They put her on some kind of medication and she no longer has "episodes" like she did when we were away.

Carol now lives with Nicole, Lance's sister.  At first she was doing chemotherapy and radiation (I didn't know they were different things), but after each treatment she would get sicker, so she has now refused treatment.  She's lost a ton of weight.  About a month ago she was down to just 118lbs.  It's hard for her to eat, because it hurts her mouth, and nothing tastes good.  It's hard for her to get up, because she is so weak.

It's heartbreaking. 

I'm not an eloquent speaker or writer.  I can't put in words how I feel about this.  The best I can say is that it's incapacitating.  You are watching this happen to someone you love and care about and you have absolute zero control over the outcome.  All I want to do is take away the pain she's in, the frustration she feels. I pray for her, but I know that's not really going to help anything.  That may sound like a bitter statement, and it is.  Maybe praying for her is really supposed to help me.

It's hard. I love Carol.

Lance and I started dating when I was 14.  It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth.  I'm not perfect. Carol always accepted me.  Jerry did as well.  I was always welcome at their house.  Carol always made me feel welcome with her daughters.

Lance and I went through a lot of drama during the 5 years we dated before we were married. Shortly after Lance and I were married, Carol told me, "I always knew you'd end up together. I never saw it any other way."

I love you, Carol.  I hate seeing you like this.  The most comforting thing I can think of is that Jerry is excited to see you, and I'm sure you're eager as well.  The best I can do is make the most of this limited time we have left.  I wish I could get over to see you more. Thank you for giving me your son. Thank you for introducing me to scrapbooking. Thank you for welcoming me into your family with open arms.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


I'm off early today.

Whaaa?  3:45 am is early?

Yes, my friends, it is.

Grand total of hours last pay period?

...Drum roll please.....


Hello, shopping spree.

Just kidding, who has time for that?  Not this girl.

In other news: I am 5 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight!  Wow!  I thought this day would never come!

I fit into my wedding ring, finally.

I fit into my favorite pair of jeans, finally.

Unfortunately, my top half is about two inches lower than it used to be.  I need to visit Victoria.

I haven't judged my bottom half.  I probably won't.

Lily is pretty much crawling.  It's not a real crawl, but she can get from here to there if she wants to.

Cutest butt ever.

She loves to sing.  She loves to dance.

She loves her daddy.

She loves seeing us when she wakes up in the morning, or from a nap.

She loves sleep.

Yesterday, she slept 20 out of the twenty four hours in the day.


She must be growing again.

My post is reminding me of someone.

Oh, right, my sister, whose posts are always fascinating.  :-)  Love her.

I'd like to leave you with more about my decision to stop eating meat.

D&C Section 89

Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.
12  Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;
13  And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.

The Word of Wisdom, which has been adapted to the capacity of the weakest if all saints, says, that it is pleasing unto Him that meat should not be used.  Winter, cold, or famine are the exceptions.  Personally, my thermostat says that I never live in the cold.   Perhaps meat would be a good food storage item since it freezes well, and when you do eat it, it keeps you full for a long time.

In heaven, will we eat meat?  

I don't know.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Semi-Annual Resolutions

Instead of New Years' resolutions, I want to make semi-annual resolutions.  Just after conference, in April and October.  I want to make goals in my life as inspired by conference.

I am so loving this idea.

Conference started with a bang!  18 year old male missionaries and 19 year old female missionaries.

This is a big deal!  I was so excited to hear this.  Why?  Because my little sister, Emilee, has wanted to go on a mission for a long time now, and now she doesn't have to wait as long.  She also gets to come back being younger than she would have been when she left in the first place with the old age limit.  I am so excited for her!  She is truly a great example to me.

So many talks this morning inspired me. I wish I had been taking notes...  :-(

Three more wonderful sessions to go!

Friday, October 5, 2012


My work week is Sunday night to Thursday night.  In that time I:

  • Showered once.
  • Got dressed 0 times.
  • Never put on makeup.
  • Ate 7 times.
  • Worked 61.75 hours.
  • Left the house 0 times.
  • Lost 2 pounds
The most consistent sleep I got was probably 2.5 hours at a time.

I only showered once because... if I had time to take a shower, I'd take a nap.

I never got dressed or put on make up because, well... I never left the house, so what's the point?

I ate 7 times in 5 days because... if I had time to prepare something, I'd take a nap.  So, basically I wouldn't eat until it was time to work.  I drank a TON of Coke.  I spiked my Simply Raspberry Lemonade with Rockstar Lemonade.

In preparation for the presidential debate that happened this past Wednesday, we had a TON of work.  Long hours, late nights, no sleep.  But seeing the results of these polls is highly entertaining and interesting.

The worst night of work: I had freaking 10 coding merges.  Coding merges SUCK because there are a ton of tiny little steps to do to make sure the finished product is accurate and clean.  The people who converted some of these projects in the first place didn't add the open ended questions to the layout, so that means I had to add a million little characters to the SPS file, layout and E file.

Ok so that last part probably made ZERO sense to anyone who reads this.  But UGH!  Just UGH!!!!!!

Not to mention, that when you are the one in charge of coding merges, you first have to wait for the final data on the project, and then you have to wait for the coding to be completed.  And THEN if it's for Adam Gellar you have to wait for the verbs to be cleaned.   I just like having everything all at once, to be completed on MY terms.  But that is not reality.

I lost 2 pounds!  This is most likely due to the above statement of eating only 7 times in  5 days.

On Monday, I made a lasagna for a sister that I visit teach.  I have yet to deliver it to her, but that's besides the point.  I made it!  In my hectic, hellish life I took time to do something for someone else.  Dang right I'm proud of myself.  "Unless we lose ourselves in service there is little purpose to our own lives."  Or something like that.

Anyway, the real reason I'm mentioning the lasagna is because I put meat in it.  I also made an eggplant Parmesan lasagna for Lance and me.  YUMMM!!  Lance said it needed meat, but I think he's just brainwashed into believing that.

Growing up, I never had a meal without meat.  It makes me nervous to go visit my family.  Last night I talked to my mom.

ME: What's for dinner?
MOM: Beef stroganoff.
ME: What do you have for vegetarians?
MOM: You can just not eat the meat.

Haha!  It doesn't work that way.  You still killed the cow.  I'm not going to go around ordering hamburgers and not eating the patty.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


Here is a started entry from this week that I never finished.

I have to be honest.  I'm fighting extremely hard to not have a nervous breakdown.  Every single day I can feel myself slipping closer and closer.  The only thing I can manage to tell myself is, "It could be worse."

I can't lie to myself.  It CAN be worse.  My problems and struggles in life are not harder than anyone else's trials in life.  Everyone has their fair share of ups and downs.  I never want to be the person who thinks they have it the worst, because I know I don't.  But I do know that my limits are being pushed, and pushed hard.

I have no one to blame but myself.  I decided to keep my job.  Granted, I decided that for nothing other than insurance benefits, but still, I chose this.  I chose to have a baby. I chose to buy this house.  These are all self inflicted trials.

On the other hand, there are other things going on that are completely out of my control.  Lance's mother is not doing well.  I haven't really posted about it because it's kind of a sensitive subject.  It has brought a lot of tears.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Take A Guess

I've worked a TON the past couple of weeks.

Want to guess how many hours I have so far?

Go ahead, I'll wait....

Ninety two.   Ninety-friggen-two hours in 8 days of work.  And I still have two days left this week/pay period.

A couple of nights I would just be going to bed as Lance was getting up for work.

Yesterday, I got to bed at 6am.  Lily got up at about 9am.  I fed her, rocked her and loved her, then put her back to bed.  We then slept until about 10:30, when I fed her again and we played while we watched Dancing with the Stars.  After that, it was 12:30 and nap time.

I have no idea how long Lily slept, but I got up at 3:45pm.  I'm pretty sure she woke up before that and cried herself back to sleep.

Mother of the year!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

In Other News

I'm transitioning into a pescatarian. It's something I've been considering for quite some time now.

Pescatarians are also known as fish eating vegetarians.

Why I'm doing this is a mixture of many reasons. The main one being that I want to eat more fruits and vegetables. Duh, right? I can no longer have chicken and rice, or steak and potatoes, or roast with veggies. I have to get most of my calories from other sources.

Another reason is the horrible things I've heard about the meat industry and the treatment of animals. Do we really know where that chicken breast came from? Animals, like humans, are also supposed to have joy! They are not to be raised horribly, put in poor conditions,  then slaughtered wastefully.

I figure, if I'm not hungry enough, or willing to kill the animal myself, then I shouldn't eat it. That's where the fish come in. I am willing to go fishing. That being said, I don't like much fish besides sashimi (sushi), so I won't really be eating much of it any way.

I tried this new diet out for a week and this is what I've discovered:

*It's not difficult. I just have to be creative so that Lance doesn't think he's starving.

*Cafe Rio is not as good without meat. Have you tried their pork? Amazing. That is what I'll miss the most.

*Fast food isn't really an option. Do I really want to pay $5 for a mediocre salad that I could make way better at home? No, I do not. I love french fries, but they really aren't good for me either. Not having a big juicy burger makes me want to binge on fries. Bad idea. However, Taco Bell's veggie Cantina Bowl is not bad. Not great, but not bad.

*Zupas, our new go-to. We can always agree on going there. Plenty of options for both of us. Also, I didn't have to give up my favorites here (Nuts About Berries on mixed greens and Wisconsin Cauliflower soup).

*Carbs, the easy alternative. I'm trying to limit them, but when I've got 5 mins to find food, grilled cheese with tomato and some sort of fruit on the side seems to be my go to.

That's all I can think of right now. Also I typed this all up using my phone and it's taking forever.

Oh yeah, so far I've lost 2 pounds. That's a nice side effect.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Hard Time

Our short sale application has been declined.  Apparently, we make too much money. This is really, really bad news.  Let me back up a little...

We bought our house in 2008 for X amount of dollars.  A year later, the market crashed.  And when I say crashed, I mean crashed and burned.  Our house is now worth Y dollars.  Y = X - $40,000.

Yup, we're $40,000 upside down in our house, for no reason other than bad timing.  We're sick of paying money into something that is so far upside down. If we're going to throw away money, why not throw it away in the form of rent at a lower price, in a better location, closer to Lance's work, with amenities such as a gym and a pool?

At first, we thought about renting out our house.  Several obstacles got in the way of that.  First, our loan type won't let us rent out our house, we have to be the primary occupants.  We kind of pushed that aside and figured they'd never find out.  But then there's that "first time home buyer's tax credit" that we applied for in 2009.  What a joke.  We had H&R Block do our taxes, and when the guy who was helping us asked us if we wanted to do it we said, "No. We don't want to do that because it has to be paid back."  He responded with, "You don't have to pay it back!  I would strongly recommend getting it, it's free money!"  He was very, very misinformed.  We do have to pay it back. Basically it's an extra $500 per year that we have to pay on our taxes.  Anyway, because of that "tax credit", we have to live in our home until it's paid back.  Lastly, our mortgage payment is so ridiculously high, no one would want to pay that in rent.  The town homes around here rent for about $900/month, and our payment is much, much higher than that.

Refinance?  Hah!  Everyone we called said they couldn't help us.

I've come to the conclusion that those of us who work extremely hard for our money, are good at saving money, are good at budgeting and live comfortable because of the above get screwed over while everyone else gets all the free handouts and help.

People who bought their homes after the market crashed?  Oh yeah, they don't have to pay back that tax credit. Only those of us who got screwed over by the crash have to pay it back.  How is that fair?

Part of me wants to abandon ship.  Let it foreclose.  Who cares anyway?  Foreclosure would give us bad credit for 7 years.  So, we'd have to rent for 7 years.  So what?  We'd have to live in this house for at least 10 or more years in order to BREAK EVEN on what we paid in the first place.  So, foreclosure is temping.  Very tempting.

Bottom line, yes we can afford our house.  But, what is the point?  It's too far from Lance's work, it's far from what little family I do have left in this state, and our house payment is too high for what we live in.

Friday, September 14, 2012

6 Months

My baby is 6 months old.  It's amazing how much has changed.

3 days old

6 months old

I've started taking Lily on walks every day.  It gets me out of the house, which is really good considering that I've been working 10-12 hours each night.  Lily loves walks!  She likes to watch the trees blow in the wind.  She's so content just strolling around.  If I stop for a break she'll get upset.  She doesn't like to stay in one place very long.

The busy season at work as officially begun, and miraculously Lily had a growth spurt this week so she's been sleeping a TON.  That means I still got between 6 and 8 hours of sleep each night! I try to take each day/night/work shift as it comes and not have any expectations for the next day. The worst night of work so far was 5pm to 5am, then Lily got up at 9am.  I was light headed and dizzy all day long.  We both went down for a nap at 3pm, and I slept until 5pm, when I had to get up to work again. Lily slept until 6, lucky duck.  I can't really complain about sleep.  Sleep is something that Lily has never deprived me of.

General freedom, and a full day without crying is a different story.  Make that a full hour without crying, if she's awake.  She cries a lot. D-R-A-M-A! Basically I play with Lily all day long to keep her happy.  Have you seen my house?  Me neither. I can't find it under all this mess.

Lily is worth it all though.  She makes me so happy.  Every night before I go to bed I go in her room and take a peek at her.  She's in a different position every night.  While I'm in there I make sure her covers are on, and that she's not too warm or too cool.  I just miss her.

I wanted to post a video of her, but it won't work.  Lame.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Hello Again

Hello again, old friend. 

I'm not really sure if I should call you a friend or not.  I haven't missed you.  I thought I made that clear when I never wrote, texted, called, emailed, or anything else of the sort! 

I hate the way you make me feel about myself and about life in general.

Maybe it's time to get pregnant again so you go away for another 14 months.  *evil grin*

Monday, September 3, 2012


I just deleted a bunch of people on Facebook.

Friends of friends, family members of friends, people who were "friends" in school who I don't really talk to any more, and just some other people who I don't really talk to or hear from anymore are all gone.

It feels wonderful.

I "hid" people that I want to unfriend but I'm worried they'll notice.

Now maybe I won't be so negative when I get on Facebook.

Also, I was sick of my blog's design.  I'm not sure if it will stay how I have it now, but, whatevs.

Sounds like I was craving some change.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Motivation, Or Lack Thereof

I went into the office tonight to train my bestie, Sierra, on some office tasks she'll be helping out with during our "cycle."  It was fun!  She picked it up really well.

On the drive home I got to listen to whatever music I wanted, as loud as I wanted, and it made me want to DANCE!  OMG, dance!  I haven't been to a club in over a year!

Then this super cute girl passed me in her cute car, and it hit me: I've stopped caring about my appearance.

Yeah, I put on makeup, but not even close to house I used to.  I usually smother on some foundation, line my eyes with liner and put on some mascara.  5 minutes tops.  This might be more than what some of you wear, but for me, it's practically nothing.  Especially with how naturally ugly I am, or, I suppose you could say, how much natural beauty I don't have. I used to spend 15-20 minutes on my face each morning.

My hair?  I don't do it.  Shower and go.  I used to spend 15-20 minutes styling my hair.

What happened to me?

If your answer is, "You had a baby."  You're right, I had a baby.  But you're wrong, that's not why I no longer put work into my appearance.  It's because I don't go anywhere.  I don't see anyone.  I stay at home day after day. I hang out with Lily all day, and I work in my cold, dark basement all night. I get a little bit of sleep, then the routine repeats.  Why should I put effort in to how I look if no one sees me?

I need a change.  I'm never going to lose this weight if I don't care.  I'm never going to feel pretty again if I don't try.

So tonight, I'm feeling quite motivated to exercise.

Monday. I will work out.  I will lose weight. I will find my confidence again. And I will go to the club soon.  Very soon.  I will dance out my frustrations, I'll get away from my house, my chores, my crying baby, and I'll feel pretty.

Who's with me?

Road Trip

I used to like road trips.  I have fond memories of piling into my family's red Ford Aerostar van (later a purple Chevrolet Suburban) and driving for long periods of time, stopping only when one was going to pee their pants.  I think that's what made us siblings so close.

I could tell you lots of road trip stories, from songs sang, to games played, to throw up chain reactions.  Good times.

Our trip to San Francisco was with Eric and Katie and Mabel.  We borrowed Lance's sister's Dodge Durango, put some luggage in a zip up thingy on top and hit the road early Wednesday morning.  I had not gone to bed.  I got off work at 3am, and spent from 3am to 4:30am making sure we had everything we needed. At 4:30, Lance and I went to Eric and Katie's house.  We got everyone's luggage situated and pulled out of town at 6:00am.  We were hoping that leaving at such an early hour would make it so the kids would sleep.

Not so.  And me being extremely sleep deprived didn't make the situation any better.  I hope I was nice.  I did get little naps, 10 minutes or so, here and there.

About 30 minutes outside of Reno my suitcase freed itself from the luggage carrier on top of the Durango, fell off our car, and fell onto the road.  The car behind us dodged it, and I watched my bright pink suitcase slide into the median by the fast lane.  Awesome.

This wasn't the first time my luggage has fallen off the car on a road trip.  I'm so lucky!

Eric and Lance went to go get it.  Thankfully they recovered it, it hadn't broken open, and all of my clothing was still safely tucked away inside.

By the time we got to Reno at 3pm, I felt extremely light headed, dizzy, grumpy and everything else you feel when you don't sleep, so Lance let me take a nap.  I slept for two hours, then got up and got ready to go get some food.  I had french toast for dinner. Yum!

We stayed at the Circus Circus.  It was pretty nice.  Nicer than Vegas's!  We all went to bed early, about 8:00.  We had separate rooms at this hotel, so that we could all get as much sleep as possible.  We put Lily on her own queen bed.

She fell off at about 3:00am.  We're such horrible parents.  We knew it was going to happen.  Poor thing.  I think it mostly scared her, because when I tried nursing her to calm her down she immediately ate and went back to sleep.

The next day in the car was horrible.  Lily was fussy the entire day.  When we were finally riding into San Francisco she was screaming her head off.  It was great.

I hope Eric and Katie don't hate us.

The drive home was better, because I didn't put Lily in her car seat.  Lily hates her car seat.  She was much happier being free.  Thankfully we didn't get in a wreck.

Fran Sanny

We went to San Francisco!  It was cool, but I'm a bit disappointed because I didn't get to do everything I wanted.

This is what I wanted to do and see: Alcatraz  Steiner Street Golden Gate Bridge

What we did do:

We ate at a fabulous restaurant called L'Ardoise. I had the goat cheese on a baked apple crouton, Filet Mignon with shaved potatoes, and the "floating island" dessert.  It was wonderful!  The dessert was the most delicate angel food cake I've ever had, drenched in a delicious creme anglais, and it had strawberries and almonds on it.  Lily enjoyed it too. :-)  Lance had the hanger steak.  It was actually better than the filet. I must eat here again.

We went to a baseball game, Giants vs. Braves.  That was fun.  The park is located practically on the water, so as you're watching the game, the ocean is in the background.  It is beautiful, but freezing.


We went to Chinatown, which was kind of lame.  There is a fortune cookie factory there where you can see the ladies fold the fortune cookies, but this guy kind of took my money for the chocolate flavored cookies I was buying and then rushed me out of there.  Lame.

We went to Alcatraz, which was awesome.  I thought it was just a prison, but I guess it was other things too.  Lance and I were only interested in the prison part though, so we went to do the audio tour.  It was awesome, except for the part where Lily cried the whole time, and my audio set freaked out and started playing from the beginning again before I was finished.   I gave up and just walked around after that.  But, it was so totally awesome.

I learned that Alcatraz was a prison punishment.  No one was ever sentenced to Alcatraz, you were transferred there from other prisons if you tried to escape from your previous prison, attempted to harm a guard, or something else that I can't remember.  But basically your original crime had nothing to do with your being sent to Alcatraz.

Hearing about, and seeing evidence of escape attempts was very fascinating.  It's too much to write about here, but, man, some people are brilliant.  It's too bad their brilliance is wasted on law breaking instead of something more productive and beneficial for all of us.

We went to Ghirardelli Square.  It was pretty cool, but... I hated my caramel shake thing. Plus it was freezing and the wind was blowing like crazy, and of course Lily was upset.

Basically Lily was upset the entire trip.  It made things difficult, but I still had a good time.  I'll have to go back again to finish up my to do list. :)

Friday, August 17, 2012

Love Me Some Hair

I got off work at 1am tonight!  WOOHOO!  I should go to bed, right?  Right.

But first... My hair.  It needs a change.

I think I shall go with this hair cut.  It's not super different than what I'm currently rocking.  It's long enough that I won't feel self conscious about my face not being as thin as "normal" for me.  Also, this person's hair is quite thin, which means this will look good on my thin hair.  It has texture, which I love, but it's not too drastic.

Am I over analyzing?  Maybe, if you're not in to hair. :-P  I love hair.  I love changing my hair.  I love trying new things.

I told Kellyanne, my hair stylist, that when I get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, I will let her do whatever she would like with my hair.  I completely trust her.

I'm secretly hoping for this:

But at the same time, I'm dreading that.  It's an odd sensation, really.  I've always wanted to rock a sexy pixie, however, I'm quite self conscious about my nose, and whether or not it is feminine enough to rock a short hair cut.

Super short hair cuts are for people who have girly faces.

But then you look at this model, and she has a strong jaw line, which is kind of a masculine feature.  So, I dunno.  She's hot nonetheless.

Now color...  I've been doing red lately, with some "secret" blonde pieces underneath.  Secret blonde pieces like this, sorta...

Brooke Burke Charvet - Dancing with the Stars Season 14 Episode 16

Brooke has that blonde piece in her hair. I thought that was pretty cool.

I don't think I'll change that.

Well, it's almost 1:30 now, so I'm going to go to bed.  Maybe I'll get 8 hours of sleep!

Oh my gosh, I forgot that it's the weekend.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Check It!

Dudes... I'm 19 pounds down. That is a HUGE number!

15 pounds to go... That is another huge number.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Style Rut

That's what I'm in.  I'm in this awkward position of wanting to buy new clothes, but not wanting to shop or see my reflection in the mirror.

Which, by the way is getting better, it is.  But, I still long for my pre-prego figure. *sigh*

I had an epiphany the other day.  I was thinking, "Man, all my clothes are cute shirts and jeans.  I need to change it up.  Maybe when I'm skinny again, I'll change it up."

Then I thought,

"If I'm not willing to change it now, why would I be willing to change it later?"

So, Saturday I went on a quest to change my style.

This was what I wanted:
Ankle length, coral skinny jeans.

So super cute!

Though not exactly in Hanna’s colors, it is the same jacket by the same designer. If my opinion counts for anything, it’s still a great jacket in those colors.

BCBC Max Azria - Natalia cropped Jacket - $160.80

 This jacket is insane, but I absolutely love it.

And a cute lace T-shirt.  I actually already have one, but it's currently too tiny.

Also, I doubt I would ever wear these three pieces together... but I was trying to think out of the box.

What did I end up with?

This top in a nice green color.  And...

And that tank in purple.

Way to go out of the box, Jenn.

Guess What? I have PICTURES!

My baby girl is growing up.  It makes me sad.  She no longer stays in one spot on the floor.  She's not crawling, but she somehow rolls and scoots her way from one side of the room to the other.  I'll put her to bed one way, and when she wakes up she's completely turned around and rotated.  So stinking cute!

Sometimes she does this:

And then when she wakes up she's extremely upset because she can't get her foot back in the crib.  I thnk it's cute... and funny.  She moves around so much when she sleeps, it's crazy.

That toy behind her his wonderful.  She'll wake up and start playing with it, sometimes for 30 minutes before starting to cry.  True story.

She sucks her thumb now too.  Usually she does it when she's trying to go to sleep (self soothing, so nice!), or sometimes while I'm feeding her.  I can't quite figure that one out.  Or if we give her a taste of our food, she'll stick her thumb in there too.  It's pretty dang cute.

I apologize for the decolletage... I try to cover them... really.

She's started jabbering more now.  Instead of just mumumumumum or EEEEAAAA it's like... a language or something. I can't really describe it, but she sure thinks she talking!  If she's in her bouncy toy, she'll shout things at the doggies. Oh my goodness, I love it!  We must get it on video.

The light we're holding is actually a flashlight.  But I like to pretend it's a magic wand.  Lily casts spells.  She's quite good at them.

She's almost able to sit up by herself.  In this picture she had just woken up from a nap... I love her sleepy face!

When she's tired she will just stare at you.  Like the picture above.  I love it.  It makes me want to just snuggle her.

She asked me to paint her nails to match mine.

Ok, I made that up.  But it's cute!  PS: How does my baby have tanner skin than I do?!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Not Nice

I am not a nice person.

When I read through Facebook posts, I have loads of negative thoughts fill my mind. For example, I just had to restrain myself from telling someone they have a huge ego.

For the record, they do have a huge ego.  And I still want to tell them that.

I often have to restrain myself from posting less than kind remarks.  So many people just rub me the wrong way.

And I'm tired.  I get grumpy when I'm tired.  Who doesn't?

So, Lance joined another softball league this fall after promising me he wouldn't.

(insert less than kind comment here)

Today he called me and said his first game was today.  And that it was in fact two games.

(insert less than kind comment here)

Then he told me his mother would be coming down to watch Lily here while he plays.

(insert less than kind comment here)

I like my mother in law.  I do not like people watching my child while I'm here.  Why?  Because they don't really watch her.  I still have to do everything.  She starts crying and they look at me for help.

Please, just pretend I'm not here.  I don't have time to work and take care of her, hence why I'm working at night while Lance SHOULD be home anyway!

ARRGGH. I could freakin' scream right now.   Why doesn't Lance get it?  Besides, would he want to work, and have my mother come over and be home alone with him and Lily?  I think not.  Why is it OK for him to do that to me?

My plan is to put in my headphones, and REALLY tune out everything.  Seriously, pretend I'm not here.  I might as well be in the office, because that's how much interaction I get to have with my family while I'm working here.

The benefits to working at home?
-Being able to pump while I work and bare it all without anyone caring.
-Being able to kiss my baby goodnight.
-Not having to pack up Lily's things, get her in the car, and drive for an hour to work, to switch off with Lance, who, by the way, gets off of work 15-20 minutes AFTER I'm supposed to have started.
-Not having to drive home at 3am.

I do not get to stop and take a break whenever I please.

Thank you, and good night.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


The past few weeks have been very hard.

I've been working until 2am or later, then getting up at 8am with Lily.  Three weeks of that, and I was a zombie.

I was probably a zombie after two days of that....

I'm happy to announce that I am off early tonight!  11:30pm, yes!  I can get 8 hours of sleep, maybe more!  This is so freakin' exciting.  AND I have energy to blog.  Hooray!

In other news, that scale has started to budge!  I read that after exclusively breastfeeding for four months your metabolism goes into overdrive.  Awesome.  I feel great!  I still have a lot of weight to lose, but at least I'm feeling great.

I'm kind of sick of being vague about numbers.  I've been vague because I didn't want people to compare themselves to me.  But, I don't really care any more.  After my next pregnancy, I'll want to remember my exact numbers, so the following is for me.

I gained 55lbs with this pregnancy. Starting weight: 128 pounds.  Heaviest point: 183 pounds.  Two days home from the hospital: 177 pounds.  5'3 and 177 pounds.  Now you don't wonder why I cried so much, eh?

5 weeks after having lily: 162 pounds.  That's where my weight loss ticker on my blog starts from.  I didn't think the rest of the weight counted since it came off so easily.  I weighed 162 for three weeks in a row and decided that's where it was going to stay unless I did something.

I've lost 13 pounds since then.  Not much, since that means I've lost 13 pounds in 15 weeks.  I wish I could have been losing 2 pounds a week, or at least one pound a week, but obviously, that's not happening.   So I weigh 149 right now.  Which isn't terrible, but it's still 21 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight.

If we want to get to my weight when I got married, I've got 30 pounds to lose.  But I'll be happy at 128.  Or probably even 130.  So here's hoping I can get there again, someday.

I have a secret.  Our house is for sale.

I guess that means it's no longer a secret.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Aggggggh! Continued...

More on this breaking news story:

Spider graveyard underneath my desk.


Lance was looking for the huge creeper, which, by the way, we did NOT find, and found a bunch of dead spiders wrapped in spider web silk stuff under my desk.  We think the huge lurker is the culprit.

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

The worst part is that this giant arachnid is still hiding in here somewhere!!!


The biggest, creepiest, crawliest spider (I'm totally not exaggerating. I've never seen one that big in my house before!) lurked its way down the wall behind my computer.  When I was about to hit it with a shoe, it jumped and fell.  Then I couldn't sit at my desk because I was so freaked out.  Then every time I felt a tickle, scratch, gust of wind, or anything else I would jump and freak out.  I'm still not sure I want to be sitting here.  If only Lance were here when the spider made its appearance!  EEEAK!  Now it will probably eat me in my sleep.

I was going to post this on FB, but it was too long. Who likes long posts?  Not me.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Independence Day

I got to see my entire family together for the first time in a year!  Three weeks ago, my mom and two of my sisters drove out from North Carolina to come stay here in Utah for two weeks.  It was good seeing my mom every day again.  But this time she wasn't as helpful as she was when I had just had Lily.  She kept trying to feed her sugar and candy.

"Mom!  She's three months old!"  I probably freaked out a little too much.  But when you've worked extremely hard at exclusively breast feeding, anyone who threatens that, or threatens a tummy ache, is in deep doo doo.

My dad flew out a week later.  Oh, my dad. I missed him so much.  He was excited to see Lily, so after I picked him up from the air port and drove him here, we went into Lily's room where she was sleeping. It was about midnight at the time.  He used the light on his phone to try to see her, and she opened her eyes.  It was kind of creepy because she was still asleep.  Just a little shocking!

The next morning I woke up, went to see my baby, and found my my dad trying to feed Lily one of the infant formula bottles we had gotten from the hospital. "What are you doing?!"  Turns out it was my mom's idea.  *sigh*  Once again my mom tried to sabotage all my hard breastfeeding work.

They probably think I'm so uptight.  Well, about my daughter's food and nutrition, I am uptight.  Like I said before, I've worked so hard to get to a good place in breastfeeding, and anyone who threatens to mess that up is in big trouble.

Elise flew out on July 3rd.  So on July fourth, my whole family was together for the whole day!  It was great.

I should have picked a different shirt, for myself and Lily!  Lily looked like a boy on the fourth.

There is actually a picture of red cherries on her shirt, so it makes it look a little more girly.  But oh well.

My family learned a new song together. Africa by Toto.  It sounds awesome.  I'd like to say that maybe I'll post a video of it here, but we all know how terrible I am at posting pictures and videos.

All too soon it was time for my parents and two youngest sisters to go back to North Carolina.  I can count on one hand the times I've see my dad cry, and the night before they left I got to add another digit.  It was really sad.  It's so hard to not know the next time you'll see your parents.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My Rolling Baby

Well, here I am, sitting at the computer.  I look and feel like crap, but I have a cute baby squealing with joy behind me, so I guess life is good.

Lily rolls over, all the way. Back to tummy, tummy to back. She rolled across the room yesterday! It makes me sad. It's the beginning of the end of being a baby.

She had a doctor appointment last Friday.  Dr. Arnold says Lily is ahead of most babies. I bet doctors tell all moms that.  Lily seems normal to me. In fact, I thought she was behind.

She coos in syllables.   Her favorite being mumumum, or nanananana.

She reaches out and grabs for things and can hold them in her hands for a while.

And now she's fussy, so I guess I'm done.

Good day!

Monday, July 16, 2012


I haven't posted in a while... but here are some things I will post about when I get some free time. My entire family was together! We learned an a capella version of Africa by Toto. Lily rolls over! It's hard to get her to laugh, but Daddy can usually make it happen. She's like her mama that way. The scale hasn't budged in three weeks. Work is busy. It will get busier. Huge changes are going to be happening in our little family. I'm nervous and excited. I posted this from my Nook. I don't have time to sit at the comp unless I'm working.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Feeling Hot Hot Hot

Our air conditioner decided to break down this week.  Super exciting.  I knew something was wrong when I went into my house on a 90 degree evening, and it was warmer inside than it was outside.


Luckily, Lance's sister has a window AC unit that she's letting us borrow until we get it fixed.  I feel like I live in a tiny apartment, since we're pretty much confined to the basement, unless we want to melt.

We had a guy come out on Saturday, when it happened.  $150 dollars later we were in no better of a situation, and we had to wait until Monday until we could get it fixed.  Well, sort of.  The guy said if we just wanted to replace the part that was broken, they should be able to do it Monday.  But, he recommended an entire new system, and said they probably couldn't do that until Wednesday.  Yuck.

I'm having a hard time keeping up with Lily's eating these days.  Since I've started working at night, Lance has been feeding her pumped milk from a bottle, and I pump when I'm done working for the night.  This was going well until Lily decided she needs 10oz of milk between 5pm and 10pm.  I can only pump about 6.  We ran out of pumped milk today so we fed her a bottle of formula that we got from the hospital.

I feel like I'm the only person I know who was seriously 100% exclusively breastfeeding.  I don't know if this is true or not, but either way, I feel like no one will really understand how upset I was about having to feed Lily the formula.  I feel like a failure. I know it won't hurt her, but it's definitely not something I want to get in the habit of doing since breast milk is so much better for her.  Formula would be so much easier, and I can't help but wonder if I would start losing weight if I stopped breastfeeding.... but then I realize I'm being selfish and I need to do what's best for her as well as I can.

Weight loss, schmeight loss.  Tonight my dinner was sweet cherries and Coke.  Yum!  I didn't weigh myself today because I've stopped caring.  I can only be disappointed so many times before I fold.  I guess this way I can be happy about anything that decides to come off now, be it 8 ounces, or 2 pounds.

My mom and sisters are in town! My mom is staying with me and my sisters are staying with friends.  My dad flies out next weekend, and Elise flies out July 3rd.  Family reunion! Yay!

Tonight Lily rolled from her stomach to her back three times.  It sure was cute!  I miss her when she's sleeping.  She still sleeps about 12 hours at night, and now I've got a routine down where she takes a nap each day!  The nap varies from 1 hour to 4 hours.  Usually it's about 2 hours.  It's pretty nice!  She has started "talking" to us more.  It's more like a squeal than anything else, but it is adorable.  She likes to suck on her thumb and forefinger on her left hand, and she is constantly gagging herself by sticking them so far back in her mouth.  I wonder if she'll continue to suck on both of those fingers as she gets older.  It is quite strange...

 Here we are at the Strawberry Days parade.  Lily loved it!  She passed out about 30 minutes before it was over.  I think she really liked the marching bands.  It was a fun day!

That's all for now.  I've got to go attempt to pump another 10 oz...

Sunday, June 17, 2012


I only weigh myself on Sundays.

It was very disappointing to weigh more this Sunday than I did last Sunday.

I have no idea what's up with my body.

This week I'll live on water, celery, and prenatal vitamins.  Not.even.joking.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Current Stuff

Let's just say I haven't posted in a while because I've been really depressed lately, and no one likes to read a blog where the writer is always complaining about how horrible their life is, when really, their life isn't horrible at all.

So, that being said, here are some good things that have happened lately.

My little family has been spending a lot more time with Eric, Katie, Mabel and Jared lately.  I've been loving it!  We live so close and yet hardly ever saw each other, so this is really good.

You know how there are some people out there who just really make you feel good about yourself?  Not in an "I'm better than you" way, but, because of how they talk to you and the way they treat you, and the things they say.   Well, Katie, my sister in law, is one of the those people.  I don't know what it is, but I always feel better about myself after hanging out with her.  She's just nice, and throws compliments left and right, and it really brightens my day.

I went to Seven Peaks today with Lily, Eric, Katie and Mabel.  Let's just say it was difficult taking an infant to the pool, and there were a lot of tears from both Lily and me.  But, once we got there and got in the water we had a good time.  It was just a lot of work to get to that point, so I'm not sure if I'd want to do that again without Lance.  We'll see.

Today when Lance was leaving work, he called me, as he usually does, and I happened to be crying at that time (that's just what happens when you're trying to work and your baby is screaming and you can't get her to stop, and you're pulled in so many directions at once, and people are waiting for you to finish something...).  Where was I?  Oh yeah, Lance called me and realized I was having a hard day, so he brought me some beautiful flowers.  I'm not a flowers girl, but it was a really nice thing for him to do.

Lily is cute, but stubborn.  She's very picky.  I guess we both are.  She's basically a little copy of myself. Boy, am I in for it!

I ordered my first Bountiful Basket last week!  I first heard about it back in October from my grandma.  She was really excited about it, and I always wanted to try it but thought I woudln't finish it before it went bad.  Well, I've decided to eat healthier, and that includes fewer processed foods, less meat, and more fresh fruits and veggies.

On a side note, I heard that 51% of what you eat in a day should be RAW.  That's a lot of fresh fruit and veggies!

So, after committing to this "diet", I've realized I can eat a lot of fruit and veggies in a day.  It has been wonderful!  I'm also excited for the things I"ve never tried before, like kale.  I've never had kale!  On the Food Network they often pair it with bacon, so I found a recipe that has bacon and apples in it.  Sounds so delish!  I can't wait to make it.  I can't wait for my next basket!  I'm only going to get one every other week, because it is a lot of produce, and it's really only me eating it.  Let's be honest, Lance isn't the most veg-tastic person out there. ;)  But it's OK.  I made chicken caesar salads the other night and that got him to eat the romaine at least.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow

I went to H&M this evening to buy a swim suit.

This was a terrible idea that ended in tears.

The size I thought I was ended up being two sizes too small.  Not to mention I don't look good in a swimming suit anyway. I feel so much better about myself when I just hang out in sweat pants.  So basically, I knew I was a lot bigger than I used to be, but I didn't realize that I was THAT much bigger than I used to be.

But OK.  I'm sure you're all sick of hearing me complain about my weight.

We're going swimming at Katie and Eric's tomorrow.  I really like hanging out with them.  They make me happy.


The other day when I was going to attempt to do a workout while wearing Lily in my wrap didn't go so well.  She got fussy before I turned on the DVD.  So I took her out and put her in a swing.  She was fussy for a while, but fell asleep shortly thereafter.  She slept long enough for me to work out AND shower.  Score!

Today's workout was OK.  I waited to start until she went down for a nap, but she woke up about 5 minutes in to it.  I brought her downstairs and put her in a bouncer.  She was pretty fussy, but not so fussy that I had to stop.  I'm making progress!

The workouts are still pretty difficult. I have a long way to go.


While Lance and I were at City Creek tonight, we decided to eat at Sbarro.  We ordered our food, and they charged us $11 something.  After paying we thought that seemed really cheap for how much Sbarro really is.  Not thinking much of it, we sat down and ate.  I asked Lance if they charged us correctly and he said, "Nope, they didn't."  I looked at the receipt and they had under charged us by $4.  I wrestled with myself the whole time I was eating.  It was really like I had two angels on my shoulders, one good one bad.  Finally the good one won.  I knew I was raised better than to just let it lie.  My parents taught me to be honest, and to not steal. Even though it was the employees' mistake, I believe not telling them would be like stealing.  Also, I know I want to raise Lily better than that as well, and if something like this happens when she's old enough to know what's going on, it's good to have at least one practice round under my belt.

I was scared.  

I decided I would go get refills, and then tell them they under charged me.

Yeah, it was awkward.

One girl was getting my refills and I said, "I think you guys under charged us.  We ordered two combo meals, but you only charged us for one combo meal with extra bread sticks."  She looked around, kind of confused.  Then I said, "Is there a way you can ring up the difference?"  She just shrugged her shoulders and said, "It's on me tonight."  I said, "Oh, ok.  Thanks!"  There was another Sbarro employee standing right there and she asked, "What's going on?"  And the first girl said, "We under charged her."  Sbarro employee number two said, "Oh, how honest of you!" in a pretty awkward way.  I think I just blushed.  They told me to have a good night, and then I walked away with my drinks.

All the excuses the bad angel was giving me seemed ridiculous after the fact.  Who cares how awkward it is?  It's not like I'll ever see them again.  And, if I do, then I'll be remembered as "the honest girl".  What's so bad about that?

Thursday, May 31, 2012

How to Have Everything You Need on an Outing

Thank you, moms who replied to my tantrum the other day.  I felt like a failure for not being able to exercise uninterrupted for 30 minutes.  I'm happy to hear that it's normal and that I'm not a failure.

Yesterday I knixed the workout and went to a petting zoo at Thanksgiving Point with my friend Sierra, her aunt Sheri and some adorable kids.  It was a good time!  I got a lot of walking in, and I am so burnt that I'm as red as a freshly boiled lobster. Lily was safely shaded in her car seat/stroller combo set up she had going on.  We had a picnic lunch on a table under a tree.  I had a 6 inch ham and pepperjack sandwich on wheat bread, with lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, mayo and mustard. It was from Subway. I also had some Goldfish Grahams and water.  It was a wonderful lunch.

Lily had milk.

Sheri was taking care of her sister's kids.  She has four kids all 4 and younger.  Two of them are twins.  The twins got really upset right when we got there.  We all tried to figure out what was wrong.  Sheri was nervous because she said the twins never cry.  I suggested that maybe they got sunscreen in their eyes.  So Sheri was going to go to the bathroom to rinse off their faces.  I handed her some amazing Johnson & Johnson hand and face wipes.

I LOVE these wipes.  It's the easiest way to clean Lily's hands and face every day without giving her a full on bath, or using a rag, soap and water.

Well, the wipes didn't work, and the twins were still upset.  Sheri tried giving them bottles, but that didn't really work either.

Turns out they wanted some real food.  Sheri was giving them bits of her sandwich, and I got into my diaper bag and handed her a small bag of froot loops.  She laughed and said, "At least one of us came prepared to handle children!"  I just told her that they were actually for me, in case my sandwich wasn't enough food, but that I had plenty and I was happy to share.  Then I told her I wasn't really prepared because I forgot to bring diapers.  Sheri laughed and said she had brought diapers so we were all OK!

We came to the conclusion that moms hang out with other moms because that's the only way you'll have everything you need.  You never know when an issue may come up that you did not expect.

It's also good for when you leave in a hurry and forget half of your stuff.

In other news, my solution for exercise today is to turn on a butt lift DVD while having Lily tied to me in the Moby Wrap.

I'll let you know if it works.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Brazil Butt Lift - Day 2, and a tantrum from a grown-up

How does anyone with children get their workouts done?  This is ridiculous.

I wanted to start working out at 10am.  Lily decided to wake up just then, so I fed her and got her all situated.  About 2 minutes into the workout, she decided she was upset.  So I had to stop, make her happy again, then start again.

Basically that happened all morning.  It is now 12:30 and I only have done one 30 minute workout.  I am supposed to do another one, but I have lots of stuff to get done today.  I can't spend three hours trying to get a one hour workout in. This is ridiculous!  I still need to shower, go to the store, do some laundry, do dishes, and be ready to work at 5:00.

Lance has two softball games tonight, so he'll be home from 6 to 7 then he's leaving again until about 10:30pm.  So basically I'm by myself all day and night with Lily today, and I'm already in a bad mood because I'm upset with how I look and when I try to do something about it, Lily won't let me.

Yes I'm complaining.  I'm so sick of trying to stay positive all the time, it's exhausting.

Not to mention I worked 5pm to 2:30am so that probably is why I'm grumpy in the first place.  I thought I was being awesome for working out this AM anyway.  Oh no. Scratch that idea. I'm doomed to be fat forever.


Extremely annoyed, tired, sore and frustrated

P.S. Lily cried the entire time I typed this up.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Brazil Butt Lift - Day 1

I am so out of shape!  It frustrates me to no end.  That's why I'm doing this, right?  Right.

This program is fun.  You decide which booty problem you have and then the workout schedule is customized to your issues.

I couldn't decide which booty issue I had, but I went with "Too big".

So my workout today was Bum Bum (pronounced Boom Boom).  It was fun but it was difficult.  It was a lot of cardio, which I am terrible at.  I had to stop a lot to ease the burning in my boom boom. :-) But, I got through it, and next time this same video rolls around I'll push harder and rest less.

I like how Leandro says, "Don't settle for less!"  When he first said it I thought, "What the heck is he talking about?"  I'm still not quite sure, but I'll take it as - do the moves correctly, don't settle for a less than correct move.  I dunno.

Anyway, today was hard and tomorrow will be harder because I'm SURE I will be sore. I have to start somewhere!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Brazil Butt Lift

While Insanity is extremely hard and very effective at getting people in shape... I've started it so many times that it has gotten mundane to me.  Not that it's easy, it's just not something shiny, new and exciting any more.  So, I've decided to try another workout program.

Starting tomorrow, I'll be doing the Brazil Butt Lift.  XD  It looks fun.

Friday, May 25, 2012


Change is scary.  But it's also good.

I have given in to the requests of Donni, one of the partners at DataWise, and I will be working at night starting Monday.

On one hand I'm extremely relieved.  If I had one more day of Lily screaming all day while I tried to work I probably would have quit my job.

I almost did on Thursday.

On the other hand, I'm terrified.  I like to think I have a pretty good reputation on the day shift.  I'm the person who seems to know everything about every project.  I'm the person who can track down an email from a random client from two weeks ago.  I'm the one who has the company schedule pristine clean and sparkly perfect each day.  I don't know what my reputation is on night shift.  Do I even have one?  Will I be any good at what they do?

Since coming back from maternity leave it just hasn't been the same at work.  I had to train someone new on the schedule.  The schedule, the one duty that I loved with all my heart, was taken from me.  It was so painful to train someone on how to take care of my baby.  Each mistake I saw was another stab to my heart.  Tasha is that lucky trainee's name.  And I feel bad for her having to be trained by me.  I am so completely obsessed with perfection that I'm very OCD about the schedule.  Every single day for the past six weeks I have given her lists of things to update and fix on the schedule.  Even if they don't really matter in the big picture, they mattered to me.  And now the schedule is hers to change and do with what she wants.

I'm scared to work at night.  I worked at night for a few months back in 2007.  It just didn't work out for Lance and me at that time.  I couldn't stand being home all day, bored out of my mind, then right after he got home I would leave for the night.  Seeing your brand new husband for 30 minutes each day is not enough!  But life happens and things change.  We expanded our family by two feet (nyuk nyuk nyuk), and now I feel this will be the best way to make sure Lily gets the care she needs.  And to make sure I don't lose my mind. And to make sure Lance isn't greeted grumpily by his stressed out wife each evening.

I think working at night won't be as bad this time as it was years ago.  I'm working from home, so I can talk to Lance all I want.  We can still eat dinner together.  I'll have Friday nights off, so we can have dates or family outings.

I'm excited to be able to stay at home with my baby all day.  I'm excited to make an official schedule for us.  We'll go on walks, we'll have play time, snack time, learning time and nap time.  I'll be able to take care of my house!

Oh my goodness, my house.  It is in desperate need of attention.  I don't remember the last time it was vacuumed.

Don't judge.

This fall at DataWise is predicted to be the most busy cycle we've had, ever.  Night crew will be extremely difficult from September to November, but I'm excited.  I'm ready to join this new team at work and offer up my talents in any way possible to make it the best cycle ever.