Anxiety

Social anxiety is not fun.


To be honest, I didn't realize I had social anxiety until recently.


Part of me really likes getting out and being around people. The other part of me stresses out and worries about it non stop. My whole body shakes. Sometimes I cry for no reason. I'm unkind to my husband and daughter for no reason other than my nerves.


I've recently noticed that I try to ease my fears by spending a lot of time on my appearance. I suppose I do it to try to feel confident about myself and cover up the fact that I'm constantly second guessing the things that come out of my mouth.


Sometimes I'll plan makeup and outfits days, even weeks in advance, just so my favorite outfit will be clean, and I'll have my most flattering face on.



I am much more comfortable behind a computer screen. Because backspace.





We went over to a friend's house on Halloween: Janel and James and their daughter McKinley.

The original plan was to eat pizza and then go to Celebration to trick or treat.  When we got to our friend's house, we talked about how crazy busy it looked just to get on the road that leads to Celebration, so we kind of cut that plan and just hung out at her house and let our girls play together.



I had a great time!  I enjoy their company. I like talking to them.  We have quite a bit in common, considering we both ended up here, quite randomly, from Utah. We're at similar points in our lives.


Why can't I stop thinking about things I said?  Why am I so worried that I offended them? Or said something stupid?


For example, I'm worrying about talking about work too much.  Or about my weird sleep schedule.  I'm worried I didn't ask them enough questions about themselves. I'm worried that I'm this annoying person that people just "deal with."  I'm worried that I didn't bring drinks that they liked. Or that I wasn't polite.  I'm worried that maybe they thought Lily was rude or outrageous.  I'm worried that maybe they wanted us to leave sooner than we actually did.


And typing this all out has made me cry.  This is real. This isn't in my head, this is consuming my life.


And it happens ALL.THE.TIME.




Make it stop.