Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Secret Dual Life

I can remember a handful of times in my life when I was depressed.

The problem is, I don't realize I have a problem until I'm no longer depressed.

And then, because I'm no longer depressed, I'm afraid to see a doctor for fear they'll think I'm making it all up.  Which, is where I am currently.

I realize I need help. I feel no shame in getting help.  I just fail to connect how to get help while currently not needing it. ...?  Does that make sense to anyone?



One article a friend posted on Facebook really resonated with me. It woke me up to the issues I've been having for at least 7 months, maybe longer.

The Secret Dual Lives of People Living With Mental Illness

This is my life.




I can look through past blog posts, text messages, and remember conversations I've had with people where I have told them about what a mess I am at home, while at the same time appearing put-together and "normal."


But the reality is, for the past while, I haven't wanted to go anywhere, do anything, clean anything, cook anything. The things I used to love (crafts, cooking, makeup) became a burden. To sit in my bed and sleep all day would have been heaven.

I blamed it on being tired because of work.



But that was simply not true.  It had nothing to do with my job.



Lance would always tell me I'd feel better if I got out of the house more.  Perhaps that is true, but how do I get out of the house when I feel like I'm carrying 500 extra pounds around?


It was easier to get out of the house while Lance was home, and not because he could watch Lily while I got ready. But because it was his idea to get out of the house. I was going because he wanted to go, not because I wanted to.


I can't even explain properly how I felt because I don't understand it myself. All I know, is that this is not normal, and that I need to get help somehow, because I absolutely cannot let myself get that way again.  I deserve better, Lance deserves better, and Lily deserves better.

Yesterday was a good day.  I wanted to get out of the house. I wanted to be around people.  I went shopping with Lily, I cleaned bathrooms, did dishes, and made dinner.

Small accomplishments for most stay at home moms, but a HUGE accomplishment for me, as I haven't done those things in months.

2 comments:

  1. Nobody is going to think you're crazy, especially not a doctor. I say get help as soon as you can, even if you're on an up swing. Why waste more time being depressed if there's a possibility that you won't have to? (I don't think that made sense...did that make sense?)

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  2. Are you kidding? Those are all big accomplishments no matter what! It's hard to be a mom during the day and work at night. You just get spread so thin. What has saved me is working out every other day with my mom and sisters. I hope you can find some friends or a play group to get together with. I think that might help. It's helped me for sure.

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